Wednesday, March 11, 2009
urghh and i failed to update yesterday night because i came home too late. it was kinda activity filled yesterday, which isnt too good. kinda.started my day at 4.30am when i sent my sis off to the airport. the bb boys have indeed grown from little cute sec2s to mature young men at sec4. physically, 3/4 of them are taller than me by more than 5cm. HOW LONG MORE WILL I PUT UP WITH THIS GENERATION. all of them are getting so tall. even the girls (my sis is a few cm away to my height) and i really cant stand how i used to be one of the tallest in class, and then everyone caught up eventually. i really only grew 3 cm in secondary school. from 168 to 171. and recently, when i did my checkup, i was 171.5. -.-
seeing the boys now so grown up and all, kinda leaves me stranded and at a loss, that i wasnt with them last year to see them through. but urghh if it wasnt for guitar cca, i'd still have made more frequent trips back to BB on parade days, even though i wont be able to commit to the other plans and stuff. but it was a good time of seeing the guys from BB and the girls from GB ( i know most of them through my sis hahaha) and how they interact with each other. it was almost like a mini-my-sec-school-life kinda thing.
so it was kinda cool for my sis to have her big bro send her off when none of her friends had that kinda privillege. and then a lil later, i engaged with a bb junior about how being in leadership was like..
he kinda said smth that struck me quite hard, (and i never even had direct conversations with him last time)
"everyone knows you were super emo what! how to hide, you were a cos, super obvious!" and i really thought i tried my best to hide all my feelings in last time. but it was so many years ago, i cant fully remember because i've moved on. and when i look back, its almost the same as looking back at primary school when you are in secondary school. it feels like i've been a kid for what, all my life? even that learning curve in secondary school wasnt that steep for me. and perhaps i've not even tasted what leadership was like in BB, what handling people's lives were, and have been too caught up with my own issues that even i cannot handle on my own.
and when i compare to the lives that my past seniors led last time, and other friends who have had much better leadership skills, they truly shone even at sec3 and sec4. they truly displayed the love, responsibility and stability in their actions and emotions. and there i am, struggling with issues like homework, parents daily naggings and ramblings, girls and the many thousand emo gushes i had because perhaps my hormones were raging so much more at that time. of course there were more, some too serious to spill over here, and issues that arent resolved up to now.
despite all these, i still became a leader again in church, with people telling me now is the time to rise up, do not let anyone look down on you because you are young ( and indeed it is young being a leader at 17 for your church) and i happened to be the youngest too. so i tried again, working back into the hot seat of leadership, going through many "life lessons" from my older leaders, learning how to do ministry work better. and i was lost, caught up with the mix of school work, church work, balancing relationships and it boiled down to time management and discipline, which was something i seriously screwed up big time my entire life.
as a result, the things i did well in shone, but the things i didnt do well in, i couldnt make up for that loss. and before i knew it, promos were over. and my pastor bombed me with "if you cant do well in your general calling, stop ministry" he didnt mean totally stop, he just meant the balance was important in honouring God. then the real bomb came:
did i glory God in all that i did? all that hard work and toil that i did for ministry? getting so busy and on fire with worship ministry... etc. at once, everything just dropped. even the supposing youth camp i was planning, i left it to my co-workers. i just couldnt function with doing anything at all because if everything i did displayed God in a negative light, i wont be able to live with it!
but thank God the youth camp went as he planned. it went TOTALLY as God wanted it to be, so much so that i felt used after it. so much so that after the camp, the fire in me just died. it didnt even sustain for a day. but that will be for another post...
so God had his plan, he stripped me of everything. no school, no leadership, no support, no more attention. and i said this before, it is when you are stripped naked that you feel the lightest, but you have to be careful or it may become emptiness.
by being stripped bare, i have indeed so much more time to rest in God. its so easy to fork out the time to spend with God longer now. something i would kill to have last year in jc. now, easily, 1 or 2 hours i can reserve for God if only i put myself down to it. sleep is no longer an issue, and stress, not at all. but i have to choose daily still, to lead this life of christ, to be pure and blameless, without sin. to pick up this heavy cross for excellence for His name. to fork out the time to spend with him, and do my reflections. no longer will i be drifting, from day to day and forgetting what happened the day before. if i do not choose all these things, i would become empty, instead of just light. i would then be making my position and ministry my God, other than the true God himself. so i have to get down to the basics again, and its also the most painful this year.
after sending my sis off, went back home to sleep. overslept so i couldnt swim, then made a trip down to fairfield for the carnival briefing. i had volunteered to help out because i was free, and yiling and naijie happened to be helping out too. but i didnt get to think of much when i was with the kids, after all they are really primary school kids. at that age, i know most guys wont be able to think at all. but girls will already be facing stuff like backstabs and friendship issues.
after which, went to find team ACTX again for slumdog millionaire! it was really a fantastic show and it dwelved deep into the life of jamal. had everything in it from action to romance, and the peaks and lows of the show were very distinct. weichiang managed to grab the last line6 toneport, which is a recording device for music.. and i got my pitchblack tuner after 5 long months of no stocks! i know God blessed us with these things, wheeee! just hope today will be just fine:)
