Monday, November 05, 2007
ahh freak do i seem like an emo freak to u.
sorry my blog regulars. i'm not in denial, i know there are ppl visiting my blog. if no one visits my blog, wouldnt my school life be better?
sorry, i'm not that emo la. i just chose to use my blog as the one and only ranting rant space. i guess its already not bad since i blog after really really long...
there will be no "on a lighter note" in my blog. basically, no news means good news. but since i'm posting it cant be good news this time too.
bio's over, before that everyone was looking forward to it. OH YES 3 HOURS TO FREEDOM.
after os, i'm gonna jam my ass away!
after os, i'm gonna do this do that start my new life.
after os i'm gonna build muscles.
after os i'm going to get a girlfriend.
after os i'm gonna have so much fun.
nope, nothing has changed. soccer's still the same. and i mean the same. its the freaking irritating feeling again of wanting to let go but wanting to hold on. its the same old the same old the same old...
why on earth do you play soccer keith chang. this year, Os was such a good enough reason to quit. on top of that, you dont even like playing. ur just playing for ur friends. then again, you're not needed on the pitch cause realistically u cant play and u'll be dragging ur team down like u did today..
of course you're not the only one. ppl say relax, practice u'll get it. how long alr?
and yet i dont want it. because i just have no passion.
and sadly, friends arent good enough a motivation. though they once were.
but as we all grow, we realise we gotta do things for ourselves, not for others.
and then the love your neighbour as yourself comes back in. Jesus' living example comes back in. its the same old the same old the same old thing.
gosh, the gb camp's gonna be the same! its gonna feel identical to farewell. its gonna feel identical when i was in the hall a few months back. its gonna feel identical when i sat on the bench watching just a few hours ago. its the same old feeling everytime i hear "bb" everytime i hear "cos" everytime i see soccer. i doubt seeing drill or adventure will cheer me up, and seeing boys in full u. gosh.
its back to the "ur a loser, u know it" feeling. it always has been, so why am i complaining again?
even if a friend comes and sits with me one fine day, (if that really ever happens) and talks to me, i'll treat it as a mere effort to cheer me up, given my horrible mindset. i mean- if they want to they'd have done it a long time ago. or dont tell me the holy spirit decended upon them that fine day that made them talk to me. (i'm sorry, God.)
i wonder if god reads my blog. pls dont tag...
i'm getting my priorities right. if i go for the camp, if i come back as a primer, if i serve back in the bb, it wont be because of friends. it has to revolve around God, around the company, around the boys, and around me.
i'd rather be a teamate who cheers everyone up than a leader who pulls everyone down.
obviously, ur much better leaders than me. and i'm NOT putting myself down.
screw the encouragements, my mindset's screwed beyond help. no one will help me.
but now that i've gotten this chestload out of my heavily loaded heart, maybe i can start helping myself. it always works after blogging... i have no idea why. but i think its pretty sad if u have no one to listen to and resorts to putting stuff on the net to ease your troubles.
ok i just offended 10000 bloggers, including myself. but heck, cause
whatever works, works. and i'm not doing anything illegal also...
sometimes i feel blogging is like consulting the devil for advice. because if i have my God, why am i letting everything go here. i'm still so imperfect, i'm so human. and i still desire human attention.
dont talk to me regarding this post, it wont do me much good...
coming-clean-with-god,
keith
Posted by keithc at 8:34 AM
