Saturday, March 31, 2007

emo tok.

okay.. actually we just got back and i just woke up from my 5 hour nap after the stayover yesterday...
its been fun actually, but sometimes i gotta ask myself. am i really enjoying it? is my enthuness one sided?? was i being a fake all the while?

are my friends for real?


i can actually scribble a whole lot of angsty CAPITAL words here but i have already thought through it...

i guess half the guys who stayed over already knew about what happened once day broke... i dunno if they really understand me sometimes... i really feel like... its more for themselves... ppl think so much for them. and then at the end of the day they walk out of sch smiling and i go "wth happened" to myself.

was on the verge of $(&%)(*&&^(*ing everything up yesterday. really pouring out everything i thought during the emo talk session, since everyone wasnt saying anything... but now that i think about it, i guess its a good thing that i didnt...

i woke up today morning on the parade square feeling cold. and i was already crying since then. i never spoke to anyone til i entered the bb room...
and thats when i poured everything out.

and its not the first time i cried during bb. there was another time, but that one no one knew what happened at all...

then i wondered what kinda leader have i been...
what kinda friends do i have
and whether or not this is all for real... planning some stayover, getting enthu about personalising field ranks, picture jigsaw puzzle... budgie song... for wad siah. just soccer can alr right?

anyway, this post has already been condensed to save my skin from unwanted comments. i'm sure i'll hurt many people or hurt myself even more if i really start ranting... u know actually i think there is a good number of people who visit my blog, but have nothing to tag about cause every post is so disgustingly emo.

its over anyway... being a COS passed like nothing happened at all. wondered if ppl recognised the commitments and willingness i had, but well. some things take prioty first.

sorry i cant do LDC... sorry i cant join BB soccer... I JUST CANT!! TRY TO UNDERSTAND! I JUST CANT!!! OK??? MUST I STATE TO THE WORLD THAT I HATE SOCCER ON THE FIELD. AND RANT LIKE THAT BEFORE U SEE ME TRULY? i really want to, but given my circumstances i cannot... i just cannot!

its just over. the memories we had and the fun times... gg lor. i'm quite sad, but right now, half of me is comforting my soul, saying "well isn that good? theres no more pressure... no need to do your best in some UG anymore. no need to put up with some fakeness. and force urself to play soccer when u dont feel like it."

thats so wrong la. refering to the god-sent verses from isiah yesterday... and yes, i randomly flipped joshua loh's (random guy) bible and i found something about youths, and we should trust in God and he will provide the rest. i'll find it later...
and another one states "for the heavens are higher then earth, so are my ways from your ways and my thoughts from your thoughts".

so... i give it all up to you oh lord. consume me.


theres just this clear gap

Posted by keithc at 1:37 AM

Sunday, March 18, 2007

would you care ANYWAY (random ranting)

recently i've had my break from friends... and i realised. or is this just another doubt. no one really cares.
i got friends that i made effort to double click on msn though i dun feel like...
ex-church mates whom i just sms to bother finding out how they're doing...
sticking my nose into ppl's lives when i know they're troubled and no one's there for them and yet i'm not a very close friend also...

i find myself like a busybody. an outsider... i'm not needed la honestly. i feel like just living my life without anyone... cause suddenly my friends feel distant. (ok maybe its the holidays, with e homework, and o levels in mind... yes yes... true also la)

and yet i can only currently think of one person that has done all those for me...
but i think there are a few more. however, there are these stupid doubts all swimming around in my head... i'm forced to think negative.

and i onli blog negative anyway.

if i blogged that i was troubled, and u chanced upon this blog, would u care.
if i failed everything and ur doing extremely well. would you care. even if u cared would u help.
even if u helped. how much will you help?

grant my heart this love it needs lord jesus, so i wont feel empty.
keep sustaining me.
and i'll keep praying for my friends. whom i'm currently doubting.
and i'll pray for myself to stop being emo... cause u've given me more then i can ask for.
no matter what i'm feeling now, thanks for everything.. thats for sure...
pray also for less screwing around and more focus.
in jesus name, amen.


Posted by keithc at 8:11 AM

Friday, March 02, 2007

eh? friday's my day!!

eh. ahha. HAHAHAH i dunno why my friday just rocked.

i felt like.. so NOT-LOSER for the whole day? hahaha.

in SS class, i got my results back and we were all like WOOO.
i, who has failed miserably for the whole year suddenly passed. and passed well also! hahaha. 17/25 wooo!
guess i was right, i outta slow down and think of stuff i'm struggling with in a new angle, with a new perspective. i did just tt for SS and just pawned or.. "pawned"the paper without caring or mugging much...

nvm sounds too cool. wait for my next paper first.

and then soccer! omgsh. mad imbaness la. whole time i was just camping left top. then ball come. i swing go in! woo.
and it was 0-1 with my team losing, then i scored tt haha.
then they scored again and we were -.-.. and then i sprained my right foot cause the ball like. made my toes bent upwards and its still friggin pain now. but wth. my 2nd goal was a left foot shot! damn tyco la!!! the ball was moving too fast so i didnt stop it, just kick and it hit the pole and rebounded inside... damn on form, shiokXD. i doubt i ever played like that before.. maybe except the one in the bball court opposite school.

ya and then the last "winning" goal was russell crossing in then i bulldozed the ball inside the goal... and everyone thought it was damn nice but actually it was handball la lol. the ball flew onto my chest, and after i contacted it it was heading to my left so i like. swang my right arm towards the ball and it went between the posts. and everyone thought it was a goal la lol. and anw it was late, 8.15pm so we went to eat. haha. should have seen the look on daniel and nat's faces when i confessed that it was a handball. hahahah.

i love on form days.
and days where i feel like a winner.

coldplaying.keith.

Posted by keithc at 10:58 PM