Tuesday, July 31, 2007
that blew it, totally.
while i tried controlling it in, staying alone to stay safe... i considered every possibility, how i could have reacted. i had my actions in my hands...
on one part, it was "okay, im pissed. i'm just gonna walk in, i dont even know how to face my friends... take the merit stuff and f off, easy."
the other was "its okay keith, u have done ur best and ur gonna smile as u walk on stage, comon! its merit and ur the one representing the rest of bb for it.. what's wrong? why are u sulking?"
i claim reason not to be happy... i tried really hard to talk myself out of it, saying "look, its certain. its in black and white, u suck. u dont deserve this award u know?"
but the thing is i dont suck! i've done a lot... even if ppl dun outwardly see it... i'm not a bad guy? its okay, mr tan spoke to me already... he gave me a reason why, and i realised my flaws myself... i accepted it...
but acceptance was just part 1, there was the whole rehearsal to go through...
seeing the other dudes' pics up there, and mine could have been to... it was totally painful. i took bb as seriously as any of them, if not more... and i loved it even though handling the company was tough, even though i sucked at soccer but i still played... even though u can lotsa backlash, even though u arent in the dover clique.
and yet, due to external factors out of bb, i didnt get my award. heck, not that we got founders' either...
there's nothing good about bb for me to keep and bring home, even years after O levels...
memories? lots of them have turned sour...
if nothing is done, will going back to serve make a difference?
emo. emo enough to make a new skin, aww heck about the study scheme, who gives a shit when u have totally no mood? i dont feel like it! not every human can pick themselves up so fast...
why am i blogging? the world doesn view my blog, maybe some close friends... but i'm not justifying myself, i just need to release this grieviance... releasing stuff that no one will take seriously cause they know who i am.
sorry daniel, sorry wenjie... this isnt as easy to swallow as any other events like mid years or bb farewell... its rly the end of the 4 years... and while u left with good impressions, high ranks, founders' for enping... its rly nothing worth remembering for me...
everything i did in bb, nothing was at its top. drill, pumpings, PT.. even handling juniors, no i'm not a natural leader... could it be a fluke? or was it just cause i was a GOOD FRIEND to the other leaders?
"the reason we picked you was because you 5 are very much closely knitted... and we dont want a repeat of the previous batch"-mr tan
"hey... do u really think i'm capable enough to be a cos? -me, 1 year ago.
"yes... u can." -wenjie. 1 year ago.
"hmm... okay... well, at least i know if i cant handle, i'll have you guys with me!"-me again.
lots of past memories flooding back, how we literally grew up together with others like sheow en, mr tiong... how we hiked and suffered, as well as when i scored my first goal and u guys hi-5ing me cause i never did before..
its crazy to see ur budds making it but ur left behind... imagine what the juniors will say.
but what the hell, why am i caring about what they say??
this is after all, an award... going on stage to get ur fruits of ur labour, but still
why make me take the merit? its so torturous, it hurts all the way in.
have u ever felt miserable to the point of vomitting and having stomachaches...
when u'd love to force a smile but u know you'll cry doing so, cause its too fake hiding your real feelings...
as the names were called, one by one, all my good friends went up to "take" their awards. any moment then, it could have been tears, it could have been me walking out to cry... but i kept it in... and suddenly i felt strong, like no one could have underwent what i went through...
i'm struggling with my decisions, my thoughts, even my faith...
maybe i have not seen His plan yet... maybe this is punishment... but its really very painful..
yes, u provided a period of peace for me during the worship, and i gotts say its the best worship i ever had cause i was tearing. and yet, u provided a stop to the tears, maybe cause u cared about how i'd look in front of my other peers? u provided an extension for my Amaths death test, maybe cause u knew this was coming and i wont be able to study??
dear lord jesus, u have always provided... but taking away my pride and joy, forcing me under this torment,
how will u provide a way out for me this time?
i felt better, and i smiled though i had no reason to after the rehearsal, but the facts remain...
they say all we need is you.. help me to really rely on you this time lord, no one, nothing but you.
some ppl have it all, girls, happiness, gung-ho spirits... some are just beaten. but keep true to your word, for u said "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" what seperates me for leading a popular, fun life? issit being true to myself, or trying to do the right thing all the time?
in all these things, help me follow u, and i know my future will be taken care of.
but for now, please provide...
maybe i need company or the slightest hint of care. maybe i just need something to fill me so i dont feel like puking...
self esteem and courage to face tomorrow... face my friends... and hold back my tears, i dont wanna release everything out and blow up again...
everytime i get emo, i look at the knife-cum-bottle opener keychain thats on my pencil box, and consider whether the situation was worth cutting over. though i never did that before... i suddenly hated myself a lot... though god cares and loves, but faith doesn work without actions, and i failed myself terribly in that sense...
and i doubt i'd feel lotsa pain even if i really did, cause an emotional injury numbs every other part with its pain..
emo music will complete the decision, but i will refrain from anything today. i will just go into my room and throw all my sharp objects out.
flood me with ur spirit... lift me up.
Posted by keithc at 3:29 AM
Thursday, July 26, 2007
today's extreme emo feelings and sick weather totally calls for a post, finally...
i just had to screw it up, when everything was going well.
when God leaves you, so does everyone else... not physically, but its all in your head and you know it.
started school pretty excited, sleeping at 1230 was pretty early already, so left home with quite a bundle of energy. was downstairs outside the 4E locker, standing around like some toot when fern shu wenjie and someone else were sitting on the chair.. then went up, but didnt linger. came back down immediately.
was talking with shu, then i said something casual about "i feel damn unwanted... lol" when they were sitting on the chair and there wasnt any space haha. but then i thought again to myself "upstairs i'm also unwanted anyway".
that began the emo day.
somehow brushed it aside as i was in geog, cause of joel la, u bugger. and english was fun as usual... but in chinese, i noticed something so out.
OBVIOUSLY, so obviously, you were emoing as well. u didnt have to tell anyone or rant or scream to express anything, its just obvious... and i looked at you, and maybe you looked back, but i wasnt sure. and i thought "no one's talking to him/her... even though he/she has great friends. he/she must have been thinking about his/her friends again."
then i related it back to myself, upon my own life. come to think about it, we are pretty much alike. we outcast ourselves, and when shown even the slightest hint of kindness, we choose to ignore it.
during recess you were alone again, and i thought i'd say something to you, so i asked if u were okay. obviously, being in that state, you said u were ok and turned away.
you might as well say "i'm better without you"...
but i understand, fully understand.
during recess, i thought why do i feel hurt when you are down? why do i even feel this uselessness in me that i cant do anything for you?
i felt like a good guy then, being so maganimous. wadever bull.
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after that came the national day thing, where we were supposed to find partners and stuff. obviously, i was left alone again with no one to partner...
maybe its just suay that i didnt ask anyone earlier or made my move first,
or maybe i really wasnt important at all...
i brushed the morning's chain of thoughts aside, but i couldnt for the afternoon's affairs...
then i looked at you, you were smiling again, with your partner you were pleased. joking and laughing, instantly i felt much better for you.
but i myself was hurt this time.
forget it, its my fault for screwing up my own life, i'm already being saved by grace.
i really wanna brush everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, aside. that has already been done for my guitar and amp... next will be the stereo, the TV. but the com cannot, cause my family needs to use it...
maybe i'll even brush aside and friendly outing invitations, and even friends.
i just wanna focus, after this week it'll be only 3 more weeks wtp. and i havent done a shit.
screw it, i'm back to square one. the defeated, lonely, self condemning scum of the class.
unwanted, rejected, i really wish i could carve out a path alone...
but i know its not possible.
caught in this in-between act of fakeness,
choose one, happy or sad.
Posted by keithc at 12:07 AM
Sunday, July 01, 2007
create in me a new heart..... for like the 20th thousandth time???
this week's been very cold, with 3 events giving me sleepless nights, headaches and bad blood.
about the miss ong incident, i dont wish to post anything about it. i was pissed off, with a RIGHT reason. she was angry, but she didnt understand... now if ur thinking i'm crapping, it'd be better to ask, i'll surely enlighten you.
the truth hurts, the truth sounds very lame. the truth will injure others, but i'm happy i remained calm, holding on to God though i was ready to kill someone.
thats for the 1st incident on physics tys hw...
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2nd one was when miss ong, YES, after that day, she called me up to ASK about the guitar that we brought to vietnam... i was rly tired and pissed.. with enping and YC at macs, (thank God for their company..XD)
she said it went missing, and i was like WTH, one event after another. blahblahblah, we nearly had to pay for it, when all of a sudden pop song yang found it in the lvl2 classroom and we were all so relieved. actually, i wasnt so relieved, cause i was still overly pissed whenever i see her.
thank god too for that, if not i would have blown... that will be 200+ bucks divided by 4 ppl... hmm.
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3rd event... english lesson on friday.
it should be pretty obvious if ur in the F band, and miss wong had to bring up the incident... i swear it was deliberate. i have ppl to testify for me as well....
i lost all my cool when she picked on me 3 times and after that said "well its really too early to be drunk"
at that point i finally raised my voice back at her. wadever la, she said other statements about me being "not repentant" "can carry on drinking la?" "look at your face, you dont even look sorry"
sorry hor, i'm really sorry for myself. being stuck in a non aircon classroom with you.
somehow, i dun feel so pissed cause in my head she has been labelled "mad". i cant find a reason for complaining to the school about her, cause she always gets her way. 50+ and menapausing.. haiya give her la. mad means mad.
there was a staring incident when i looked directly at her with eyes that could kill. it was pretty long, i guess about 30seconds? when every second i felt my heart rate beat faster and my body tensing up..
i thought at that point "shit, if i continue i will surely stand up and throw my chair at her, that wont be what is good" then i did something very cowardly... i looked away and pretended nothing happened...
though i thought i let myself down at that point, after english there were ppl who told me it was her fault, and they were also wishing i didnt throw anything at her, cause it would mean greater trouble.
as i went home, i reviewed on my actions... at least i didnt do anything physical... i know it was sinning already to talk back to her, what for defend myself?? (with thanks to eric) why do i need the world to know i'm innocent? just let her humtam la.
that will be my next challenge.. to see if i can put up without saying a thing on her next personal attack...
meanwhile, i'll just try to focus for english, and PHYSICS.
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my tough week was really rewarded by my weekends, which i have decided to spam cause there's monday to finish up work. would have been better with soccer instead of tuition though...
bought my AMP from sweelee sale!! 426 become 212.. power right. roland cube20x... wanted the 30x though, but it was too expensive...
got it for jingming too, cabbing to church with 2 amps...
a pink tortoise pick for joysim...
a FINS pick for joyeo's ex bday present (YES I KNOW I"M BUDGET)
a BOSS super overdrive at 55 bucks instead of 100+
some strings
overall, queued from 11 to 2pm to get in, and 1 hour more for the payment... really cool, all the pedals i wanted were wiped out (MY BOSS DS-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
after tt, cabbed to church for meeting... wasnt really discussing about my area so i didnt really get to chip in much...
then dinner with dil trace and jan... they are cute ppl, esp dil nowadays.
haha 2 pepsis, 2 amps and 2 chicken thighs. great things come in pairs...
freak la raging hormones again, after the movie transformers with church ppl again today... cant stand it, mmust go commit to God again...
a new heart, for those who have hardened their hearts. PASTOR WAS TALKING TO ME.
i have surely hardened my heart.. after betrayals, distancing, lies and clique- business... have i lost the love for those around me? avoiding ppl?
i gotta pray and get my heart back, my heart for God, for the ppl around me, even if they dont care or give a shit... i really gotta give my best...
YES, I WILL. i promise to love...
fire for the CG's coming back, will discuss with ian again....
also, will take a step up in my disciplines... if not how to be an example? (though i know i have already screwed up too much... there must be a point when we get back up...)
keep loving, leave the rest to God,
He will provide everything.
Posted by keithc at 9:46 AM
