who i am hates who i am. i dont know what really has happened over this year. when i read my archives of my transitional stage from last year to this year, i saw myself right in my heart. have i grown stronger, or just more immune to the messages from the Holy Spirit? My heart now beats a different beat, a slow, heavy one. shocked by my current state. heart, not mind, because God looks at the heart of men :
"Friday, December 14, 2007
i'm going crazy. it feels like puberty all over again... i'm waste. i'm a trash. am i being testosterone controlled again? by my male ego?
i dont want to be myself anymore. starting today, i am gone. starting today, nothing i do will be for myself. starting today, i will not crack lame jokes. whether to appease myself, or others. starting today, i shall renew my spirit, i shall walk in the light again. starting today, i will seek first the kingdom of God, and not expect anything else to follow through. starting today, i will combat my sin with my gang. starting today, i will not succumb to pretty faces. starting today, hot blood will have a higher boiling point. starting today, i shall find my purpose which was lost.
help me Lord Jesus, to be the keith you want me to be, not the keith that keith wants to be.
for what is existance without God? its just existing to exist. what is a rock and roll life with gear, girls, drinks and drugs? its just existing to exist. what is self boosting of self-esteem? crap. what is fantasy? time wastage.
time to wake up, everything Self-provoked is worldly. everything that makes you smile is worldly. but when God makes you smile, its not considered a smile. its a rare, much sought after joy that you cant find on your own. the peace which transcends all understanding. its time to forget vaughan, forget hendrix, and just play for God. its time to forget paul, forget girls, and just concentrate for his work.
all this, not by my own effort, but with the help of God, if he grants it."
i actually said that prayer on my blog a year ago? its really a bold and desperate one! have i actually grown stronger in trackers and in all that happened this year? im nearly crying just reading my heart out from a year ago. i knew no philosophy, no true meaning of what joy is. but one thing i knew, it was desperation.
firstly, i shall not doubt the Holy Spirit. i have changed, and have been transformed by His Word over the year. many of my sins and struggles left, but then with strength comes something else, pride. an uneccessary upsurge of confidence. in myself?
secondly, i realised One never grows stronger in the Lord,
its The Lord that grows stronger in You.
how true and apt as i reflect back in the year. how it has been more of me all the while, even if its just a bit more. how i always wanted to show God, but seldom letting Him show Himself. though i was sincere, though i wanted the close relationship, though i did things to express that desire. i deliberately memorised verses, kept him in mind, prayed and fasted, but its just more of my input than His.
we become strong because God allows it. we learn because God enables us to. we climb to our hot-topic, spiritual maturity because He ordained it to happen in His time.
im just lost for words right now, in awe and just stunned at how small i am.
Posted by keithc at 10:19 AM
Thursday, October 30, 2008
JOSHUA 1:9
After a lot of deliberate thought since ive gotten past the stage of getting the results, and with a little help from a close friend, ive finally re-evaluated my studying life this year, concluded and settled down. its still been disappointing overall, ive let everyone down again. nuff said. JOSHUA 1:9has popped up these few months starting from YMLC for about 4 times already. From Benjamin (my ymlc group leader) picking this verse for me to it appearing on my blog, i guess the Lord really is speaking to me here. and it seems to speak to me wherever i go to next year.
May the words I say And the things I do Make my lifesong sing Bring a smile to You
Posted by keithc at 9:22 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
a pity im not a child anymore, and i gotta be responsible for myself from now onwards:)
im dying to post something for T11. but i figured it'll be best after 7nov. all the best to me!
Posted by keithc at 11:45 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
i feel weak and shattered when im slapped by the world.
if i were to ask myself what have i learned this entire year, did i waste 1 year of my life for nothing, i would say no. Fairfield has been a place really well protected. yes you fairsians better know, that the school's discipline and culture has kept you protected for very long. long enough for you to mature and understand how really wrong and weird the real world is out here. how complex people's lives can really be, and the hidden underlying problems that are so well hidden, and yet consumes them from the inside out. the transition period from puberty to late-teens incur too much change.
no, im better. no, i will not give in. no, i am strong on my own. i gotta rely on myself. no, i justify my actions because i am pissed off, angry, misunderstood, the list goes on.
where will and resiliance triumphs, layers of indifference and hardness builds up, causing an immunity to morally wrong actions and consequences. and we're not talking about religion or biblical stuff here, its just from humanity's point of view. then again, how justified is humanity? but thats besides the point. they are experiencing emptyness inside, but slowly declare themselves independant of help, love, and truth as the layers harden. they become strong.
people dont like to be told what to do. people dont like to reveal their weaknesses. people dont like to acknowledge their weaknesses. people dont like to correct their wrongs, and find more reason for justifying them. people lack, but we always seek. trial and error or truth, decide now.
being strong doesnt guarantee Victory. i dont need examples here. fairsians, you'll know when you leave. to the world, he who has ears, let him hear.
Posted by keithc at 9:25 AM
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
woo this rocks. i got my hands on some free time and mr kam's laptop. and im at the back of my small classroom so nobody knows keith is emoing and blogging hahah! honestly i shouldnt be guilty im not doing pw. i dont know when i'll ever get the chance to blog using mr kam's laptop again, perhaps wont even get to see him next year.
yeah yeah im overreacting, but when the possibility is there, i cant assume im safe can i? i cant think of possible future options at this time. evaluating every one of them has been said and done and still i cant decide on what's the best. either way, i have to leave t11 so that means its already such a huge loss.
cant think cant think. too many thoughts bombardime when i do.
Posted by keithc at 7:22 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
the guy is so pretty i'll fall in love with him if he was a girl. wads with girls and bgr talks lately. his voice is super nice and they sound huge for a 4 man band. im despo even before i enter army. die la like that army sure die. a lot has happened since exams ended! it has been fun so far but im not in the mood for the kind of blogging with pictures and event updates. shall update soon tmr!
Posted by keithc at 6:26 AM
Friday, October 03, 2008
Am i ensuring i am getting daily intake through my quiet time? why have so many doubts found themselves into my head just today?
am i only sustained by ministry, and hence look forward to every sunday? or support from friends in ministry? or encounters with God on sundays? or maybe i've just been feeling good when i recite things i memorised and 'indoctrinated' myself from the Word? why havent i been having good qt for the past 2 days? i feel unatural, unconcious and out of place.
Maybe God kept himself from me for a reason? i'm sure not everyday's QT will be like this. has philosophy led me to these questions and doubts? yes. will i find my answers? yes. will God show himself? He will.
philosophy has challenged me to source physically that our God is real. however i have this feeling that in the end, it would boil back down to me. This God is an all powering, unfathomable and indescribable God. if i cant understand Him, i cant prove Him. Understanding will increase, but will never be complete. Now i understand where Cutter came from, and all the struggles for those who know there is a God, but wish to find OCULAR proof.
i can only offer my belief now, because testimonies dont prove much in the eyes of the world.
John 12:37-41 The Jews Continue in Their Unbelief
Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him. This was to fulfill the word of Isaiah the prophet: "Lord, who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?"
For this reason they could not believe, because, as Isaiah says elsewhere: "He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts, nor turn—and I would heal them." Isaiah said this because he saw Jesus' glory and spoke about him.
i cant explain God to non believers using a Christian's mindset. i can only proclaim. God, you have to intervene in tough cases. Show your glory in due time, to answer my few questions, and the many questions from so many others in the world.
Posted by keithc at 8:19 AM
Thursday, October 02, 2008
John 12:42-43 Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.
John 12: 46 then Jesus said, "I have come into the world as light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness" --------------------------------------------
There's no such thing as a pseudo christian. Only those who refuse to step out of darkness. or dont know they are in darkness. to those who know, Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. You would definitely know if you are in darkness, no matter how covered up it is. no matter how many activities or vices you do to distract yourself from it. Supposing there's only God and the Big Bang theory for Creation, roughly 50% of the earth would believe in a God, and the other 50% in Big Bang. So, many people believe in God, thats not a big deal. But how many are still in darkness, refusing the truth. refusing to let go, let God. refusing to confess their faith because they prefer men's praises to God's praises? It is one thing to believe and another to follow.
Posted by keithc at 2:15 AM
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
i actually felt more relaxed listening to this guy. thats it, im in for electric classes sometime in e hols hopefully!
