Friday, March 27, 2009
you stand aside.you play the lowest frequency.
you play the simplest stuff, though you are capable of much more.
everyone asks you to tone down, but in actual fact they are much louder than you.
everyone acknowledges your importance, but nobody acknowledges your skill.
but you know you have the power to make or break the team. you know you are an asset.
you are always felt but never heard.
you are a bassist :)
God thank you, for this gift.
Posted by keithc at 9:52 AM
Thursday, March 26, 2009
this week has been awesome... though ya more than half of it was kinda unprepared and stuff.. but it really got better as it progressed.this week i've committed myself to help out at a primary school as internship, because i didnt want to be doing nothing.. despite pastor's warning of burn out and serving so much though (everyone) hopes i'm resting well and preparing for the next phase of life, i still went ahead to take up this internship for this week. basically, we organised basketball matches on the primary school court and arty farty activities for the kids during their recesses, with the intention of building relationships with them. im very encouraged by the seed God had planted in guo nian, wei chiang and jason as they planned the activities and all to really help the kids. its like, i didnt really feel that kind of compassion for the children, misled and little as they are, i couldnt look into the future, what kind of impact we'd be having on them when they grow up. but i had fun with them still, interacting and listening to their jokes and stories.
that was in the primary school. yesterday, i went to another location in this place called Djoy. it was an after school care for children, and i think most of them came from dysfunctional families..
it was then that i saw a whole new bunch of other kids, naughty, impatient, hyper active and really disobedient. i manhandled a boy out of a room because he refused to get out when he wasnt meant to be there. talked to a boy who screamed into another boy's ear and was unwilling to apologize. talked to the boy who was crying because he got screamed at, and was totally unwilling to forgive, even if the other boy did apologize.
but one thing caught me here, i asked him if he thought he was a good boy. he said no. at least he acknowledged humans are all naughty at times! but when i told him thats why everyone needs forgiveness, he remained silent. to forgive is really difficult, even though you know its good and you also want to let go of painful thoughts and memories..
and lastly, helped an elderly aunty clear up her home. well.. not really cause she doesnt want her home to be cleared. her 2 room flat was stacked full of rubbish she picks up everywhere!! like totally, up to the ceiling. worse than BB's sharity gift box! ok imagine this: your storeroom.
its full of extra stuff lying around right? but all stacked neatly and high in the storeroom. almost like a neat junkyard. and that's just one small room tucked away in some corner of your beautiful house.
her house WAS the storeroom. all the plastic bags with extra stuff inside. some of them were damp and wet with I-DONT-KNOW-WHAT-THAT-LIQUID-IS, some of them dusty and laden with cockroach shit, all junk. spoilt rice cookers, fans, cans, etc. cockroaches running everywhere, just like that. and she blocked up all her rooms with junk that she could only sleep on the small space of floor in the living room. my friends spent the whole of last week clearing the living room, and when i went there, we were clearing the kitchen. and the other 2 rooms were still packed full of junk. how could anyone live in that crap! it was worse than a slum! all the insects running around, the smell!
altogether, we emptied about 30 HUGE TRASH BAGS OF RUBBISH from her unit. it was hard work and im sure i lost so much weight, more than all the basketball playing this entire week. when we left the aunty alone after walking with her to sell off her load of cans (they paid her 2.10bucks for that), we said a prayer for her. it was after that that she wept and told us about how her son couldnt take care of her. (he'd come "home" occasionally to smoke and sleep for a day or two before disappearing again) she was usually cheery and happy, and stubborn about us throwing away her stuff, but at that time she revealed the crux of why she lived in that dump, that her son didnt take care of her, so she basically had to make a living with that junk. just that sometimes, shes so weak she cant even walk to sell off those stuff..
so i encountered both the young and old this week, and all along i tried to keep the attitude of "doing the work of which the father has sent me", and not think of many things that may have made me sidetrack, but the second verse that kept popping up in my mind was "train a child in a way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (proverbs 22:6) and "remember your creator in the days of your youth" (ecc 12:1)
and i kept thinking of how it is so easy to backslide over the many years of our lives. how our hearts can be so hardened over years of hiding/ fleeing from acknowledgement of our need for God, wallowing in our own self-created Gods, weird ideologies, thinkings and thoughts. eg, like how that old woman thought she owned a lot (because she could sell them), when it was all junk. how if we dont keep remembering our creator, eventually we would forget him, and subconciously make ourselves other Gods which we wont even be aware of, and drifting away from the one true love. then we'll be caught in our own world satan made for us, of hopelessness, of discouragement, of nonchalence. "no use one la", "its always the same", "life sucks".
and such adults exist. i know some of them..
seeds are sown but not all of it falls on fertile ground, and wastes away. anyone can believe in Jesus christ and be saved, but not many remain in Him, and allow Him to remain in them, before bearing fruit, fruit that will last. (john 15:5)
that gave me my heart for the children, that it is so important that they are trained in a way they should go, and that from the word of God.
and if they do not, what will happen? will they become like the son who left his mom alone to collect junk and make a living? will they have children and leave them in the lurch so they become impatient, violent, and disobedient?
it is just so different when you are there yourself, to see the aunty's tears, to see and smell her house, to communicate with children, good or bad. Christ loves them all and so should we. and it has been a great experience, though i know i havent been still before the Lord enough times because im way too tired this week. i still need to learn to be the Mary.
also, got to interact more with the trackers once again, with weichiang, guo nian, jason, ashley, lynnette, gareth, matthias and tiffany. another group of ppl that adds more dimension to trackers 09 for me:) im truly blessed in many ways from each of their lives.. OH and lois and janice though i see them every week:) and dionne and her friends, thanks for volunteering!
God please continue to show me what your plans for me are, and what i can take home from this week of internship. and help me to be mary, to just be silent and sit at your feet, because only one thing is needed. (luke 10: 41-42)
In Each Hand A Cutlass, a local band...
their music is awesome, very alternative with the ambient keyboard and guitar sounds.. the very genre i'm in love with! totally drives me high! this is the kind of sound! pls hear it ppl! its kinda a half dream to be able to play in such a band like this live. besides enjoying the stage, you enjoy the music while playing... whoaa. after some thought, i distinguished the kinds of bands that i like already. usually people just put everything they listen to, but i want to be specific and not just throw out jason mraz (yux) or jonas brothers (yuxors) or paramore. here goes! in no order of merit!
coldplay,
dream theatre,
muse,
linkin park (i chose my childhood rock band well),
paramore,
anberlin,
abitof U2,
incubus,
maksim,
circa survive.
i know i have more to add to the list, but havent really sifted out yet because music is such a diverse thing these days, post rock/post hardcore/ alternative metal/ progressive metal/ alternative rock/pop/ hardrock is totally mixed these days. generally stuff that sounds technically difficult, awesome with creative elements, ambient/weird, heavy but musical.
Posted by keithc at 5:47 AM
Friday, March 20, 2009
saying goodbye is scary.today i sent a long-time church friend off to country X. She wasnt a very close friend, not to mention she only started coming back to church not long ago. and i regret not catching up with her enough, to make her more comfortable in church once again, and just hanging out because somehow, even after years of change and growth, i feel like she's family.
and in such long-lost friend cases, usually people would move on without thinking of much, just like in slumdog millionaire, how the brother treated latika as dead, as a long lost friend, and moved on with his life.
but no, when i reflected and remember how i used to talk with her online, even after she left church, the occasional HIs and casual chit chat, there was something in me that urged me to it, time and again. i have a soft spot for my friends who knew God once, i think. and now she's (i think) in country X, going to start life all over again for the next ___ years. leaving her troubles, problems, worries and everything for now, and moving on as well.
when she told me how she kept photos of the last event we had together as memories, my heart kind of broke. it was barely a few months of reunion after years, and only one encounter of going out together, and she was already feeling like there is something to remember here amongst the church people..
i really dont know what probed me to do it, but i really went down to the airport so early this morning (of course i arranged for a car ride, thanks alan!). i dont know if its a kind of guilt i felt, or the times when i held many grudges and anger against her when i was still much younger and kinda hated her in the past (she was my childhood arch enemy), and forgot, but never forgave her.
Or perhaps God is really giving me a portion of his heart recently. i've realised slowly that im able to feel for individuals lately... i felt a friend's heart broke and her fears when she was praying. i felt another friend's sorrow and loneliness in a mission trip when she was sick and had to be "quarantined". i felt compassion for a nation. i talked more to someone in church who was constantly neglected.. i sat down and prayed with another who had issues with his future. i sat to eat with a once backslided friend who STILL feels neglected. i used my failing example as a gauge for my parent's. i havent done such stuff before! it is truly the spirit that leads and enables! and slowly but subtly, i think i've been making small but deliberate effort to feed the hungry, clothe the naked. to sit and eat with the rejected, lonely and outcasted. slowly but subtly, my eyes are being opened to things and needs i've never seen before. perhaps God has given me this 'tainted identity' now for his greater purpose? perhaps he has plans that are subtly forming up and solidifying.
i did a search on "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" and i found verses from matt, luke and mark. but i shall use the one from matt because of the additional phrase that i highlighted. by the way, jesus was eating with the sinners and despised people of society.
Matt 9: 11-13
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
firstly, Jesus didnt come to screw the sinners up. no, he came to lead them to repentance, which is by no means a painful trial in which you confess everything and make yourself worthy to repeat all the bad sins again, no. repentance simply means, finding the way back to God. therefore, Jesus' ministry was specifically to call the sinners.in modern day context, 'sinners' has become too serious a word. we despise such people and they are condemned, assiociated with vices like sex, drugs, rock and roll, and so on. but no, the 'sinners' here simply referred to people who were more lost than anything else. the sick, not the healthy, who needs healing in his soul/heart.
and in the church, shouldnt we be making a more deliberate effort to reach to the outcasts? in a book i've read, it is researched that the more left-out people in church dont stay, simply because the support and love they need isnt coming from the church. the church today is a big, cool clique. they are nice and friendly and loving to each other, but not active in doing exactly what jesus did. to deliberately sit with the sinners and lost ones. the diseased ones that are lonely and outcasted.
what is the church for when the very people who need help isnt receiving it?
more so, even as my own life has been tainted, i think i've been able to feel and identify how the outcast in the church feels. but its ok, im not affected. its just that now im able to understand the lost better.
a new perspective hit me, Jesus as the "church rebel". he didnt conform to the elite-ness of the pharises and just won debates by word of mouth, but he practically LIVED it out. MADE HIMSELF UNCOMFORTABLE. LAID DOWN HIS RIGHTS FOR OTHERS. because he had compassion for the lost. and because he had compassion for the lost, he himself became one of them.
"i desire mercy, not sacrifice" it is written in the old testament, in Hosea 6:6 (read all of Hosea 6 to have better contextual knowledge).
Jesus asked the pharises of that day to meditate on what it meant. Do you believe scripture still speaks today? Mercy, not sacrifice. him who has ears, let him hear.
Dear friend, though you wont know this blog, in a very strange way, i feel this sense of loss. like a new friendship picked up for one day, before it being put on hold again. such touch-and-go feelings, i just pray and release you to God's care. i could only do that much, to send you off haha. please take care, and have a great time at country X. and we're always keeping you in prayer!
Posted by keithc at 9:14 AM
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
im.not.
sure.
this is all i have to say for the upcoming month that i'll have here in singapore. its like rojak, a mixture of everything and i only have plans for up to monday.
it was kinda pissing how my parents slammed the idea of me going to myanmar again, its like they just repeat the cassette tape in them everytime i mention "go back to myanmar". they'll be like, no keith. no. its very dangerous. no.
and they dont even give me a chance to talk about how safe it is over there, the things i'll be doing over there, how i totally long for something meaningful to do as i spend my month, and how God would be able to take care of me. its just so unfair at times, and what can i say, they are bad parents? no they are good parents because they care that much. so am i suppose to be happy or sad?
i should be happy because im so fortunate to have such parents. but deep inside every angsty teen, the automatic reaction would be to rebel. im always prone to such tendancies i confess, i can easily submit to leaders, pastor or whatever, but when my parents come into the picture, i just dont want them to have their way handling my life!
somebody please tell me this is normal. or is it only me behaving like that? i hate it when i do something deliberately wrong, then something goes wrong. then a parent comes and say "see, see never do what i told you. now u regret" honestly that totally swipes off every inch of my pride. its humiliating. and how i just wish for one chance to get back at them, that kind of vengeful feeling that wells up in me is overwhelming and nothing but ungodly.
and the next moment, im in my room in tears because i cannot control my feelings. im a kid. i can control my actions, to bring myself into my room before i explode. but im sad that im really just a kid. i cant see the big picture and still think my parents are too much. im a kid. i only see things from my perspective and hence, their imperfection.
what makes it worse is that you know your parents arent good examples. they are screwed in some areas that makes them incapable of having any power over you in that area. let me give u a biblical example.
david, in the bible when he committed his sins of murder and adultery, he was forgiven and life resumed and he was righteous in the sight of God again. but the legacy it left behind, nothing could stop it.
when one of the other sons of david raped tamar, a daughter borned out of another wife, (indirect siblings, in a sense it was incest), david couldnt step in to judge. that resulted in absalom, david's eldest son, killing that brother. (murder, amongst the brothers). this would have hurt david the most to see his sons commiting his very own sins, and yet, he had lost all moral authority to do anything about it.
what does this show then about obeying your parents? especially when your parents have lost that moral authority to govern you? i can only safely say, stick to the scriptures. even up to now i struggle with "obey your mother and father", because i feel its just not justified when they cant live it out, but i know when my law comes from the word, it is safe.
wow i have digressed. so back to the upcoming month, while i feel God may not have spoken to me about what to do, so far he's placed several things to take care off. its coincidental how jason at this time would send an email asking for help. while debbie's church has found someone to fill up a position to go to myanmar. how gareth has also offered me a place to help in his internship at kkmc, and how theres a nice free day for my churchies to go out together! man i really miss them, because the past few sundays (about a month or more) has totally been touch and go, and there's no real follow up and quality time spent since 2009 started. i hope thurs will be a good time to catch up more in depth.
thinking about this leads me to remember pastor kaiming's no.1 quote on his facebook page, "the righteous shall live by faith". i found it weird because its like u can take the sentence for what it is, but why "righteous" and why "faith"? its like.
fill in the blanks.
the _______ shall live by _______. (3m)
i can almost put anything in there and it'll still sound good. and right now, the "live by faith" seems to be clinging on to me because i really feel like im living and moving by faith for now. not knowing anything, hoping that i can grow and do productive things for the Lord. but on the side of righteousness, i still cannot grasp. i needa keep praying, and when God does convict me of things, i really need the strength to submit to it. purely, no more holding on to anything else, no more rebellion.
what the, i need those muscles -.-
hmmm pure rebellion. paramore and hey monday are great bands that sound and look alike. hmmm.Posted by keithc at 8:38 AM
Monday, March 16, 2009
class t11 on our first or second day of school. still high and stuff!
class pic outside island creameryjust got back from the t11 dinner with mr kam's new wife, and it was sooo good to be back in the house. i gotta say i appreciate each and every one of you who still treats me as part of the class, and i dont even feel like im one bit out because JC isnt meant to end after 1 year. its like, i will only feel out of the class after next year when As are over. i just feel like a regular classmate, who doesnt have to take terms, mids, As, and doesnt have to repeat chinese...
i long to re-live basketball times again, as well as great lunches (fish soup noodles or western steak) and crappy after-class sessions. (just stoning, or singing some emo song on my stupid useless classical guitar which i lug to school twice a week) its rly been super fun. and our class, no matter how many issues crop up and stuff, is still a pretty united class compared to most other classes. yeahh.
at jack's place with the stupid wall. 
sports day!
love them girls!
class chalet
hoho best. ECONS PROJECT (went back to school on a stupid saturday)mark if you still have the video, send me!
no occasion, really random!!
the happy family with solo man godfather. where would i be without these guys!
literature play! orthello was really good
when we were high and just got to know each other:)i've wanted a tribute post on my blog so much with pics from every single one of you, but i think its not rly necessary since its not going to be just a one-time thing! so i'll save the dear shots and memories we took for next time. meanwhile, do ur best for every test and exam and mug all the way arh!!
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i gotta still find something to do for this month. oh lord please show me a direction. a plan, that would get me learning new things, esp guitar. reading more books as well. and perhaps start off on digital media? getting fit and healthy too! and building up more relationships with my church budds. somehow, i miss church peeps. im entering another phase all too soon, its so difficult adapting again and again. wooooo
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i gotta still find something to do for this month. oh lord please show me a direction. a plan, that would get me learning new things, esp guitar. reading more books as well. and perhaps start off on digital media? getting fit and healthy too! and building up more relationships with my church budds. somehow, i miss church peeps. im entering another phase all too soon, its so difficult adapting again and again. wooooo
Posted by keithc at 10:48 AM
Saturday, March 14, 2009
the mountains and valleys are steep. really steep.i was just telling a friend from trackers how i totally swang down into the valleys after the mission trip, even before trackers ended.
luke 9:23:
"if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross daily and follow me."
christianity is a daily commitment. it is not a one time belief and passport into heaven. God never meant for his love for us to be one-way. if we dont love him back, we cannot be sure if we'll be going to heaven, honestly. because only he knows how to judge our hearts at the end of our lives. he'll know those who have been feeding the hungry, clothing the naked but not honouring their parents, closing his eyes to the spreading of the gospel deliberately. he'll see those who love God's blessings and worship him with all his heart, mind, strength, in spirit and in truth, but never credited all the glory to God, rather, crediting everything to himself.
he'll see and judge those who pick up their crosses on sundays only.
he'll see and judge those who pick up their crosses on days which they feel like it.
the dark side is tempting and enjoyable, but also consuming.
and im making a confession now, no music i listen to is more shiok than the darker / heavier sort. i dont even know what they're singing because i'm not the listener who goes for lyrics, but just in terms of pure music, anything dark and heavy captures me instantly. and its shiok.
but i realise as i continue, song after song and repeating the albums, i dont want to listen to anything else. i can just let this go on forever, because its too shiok. is it consuming me indirectly? and when i go back to the stage on sundays, i get tempted to dump in a little more gain. a little more bass. though i'm still worshipful and desire none other than to glorify God, i cant help but desire too to hear myself sounding a little heavier.
i wish God would take a seatbelt and just wrap it around me. if my life can be a robot just for him, perfect, pure and blameless, i'd change this state in my life for that.
do i have the discipline to truly deny myself daily? and i know God's love and mercy trumps all, but we can never have the attitude of taking it for granted, if not we will never ever grow in him. so will i still deny myself of anything thats not of him? the subtilities like the sort of music i listen to? my own ideologies and theories formed in my head? will i still debate against my pastors and elders in church over theological topics? (because pastors are much closer to God than usual people) things like, is drinking ok for christians, clubbing? etc etc. when i truly want to seek the real thing in God's heart, i think all these little things have to give way too. being pseudo is just too grey..
Posted by keithc at 4:15 AM
Thursday, March 12, 2009
so the day was spent alone. perhaps not alone because God is always with me, but well. sometimes when socially, it gets overwhelming, its really just time to withdraw. and i enjoy that.i didnt use to think i was an introvert, because i always complained about being lonely and wanting to leave the house. someone told me not long ago that being introverted/extroverted wasnt about being sociable or anti- social, but whether you are fueled by the absence of people, or the prescence of people. i learned today im an introvert.
but of course, it doesnt just end there. we arent just called to be like this, we still have to spread God's love and serve others, so in the end, the introvert has to learn how to be friendly and the extrovert has to learn how to reflect deeply on his own. (if not he'll be a drifter too, right?)
so it was a good time of swimming, travelling all the way to this secret place to learn this secret thing which i shall not reveal, on my own.
one thing that captured me was when i was in the pool, there was this bunch of competitive swimmers. they literally flew across the pool at the sound of a whistle. butterfly, freestyle, everything they could do. with their goggles and swimming cap on, i knew they werent normal kids. these were most probably swim team peeps who go competitively. hah and i admired them once again, because i was under training once, and left such a team. (p4 la ok, now im some pool floater) so wow u know, i was the only other teen in the pool not competitive. and the others were huge bellied old uncles relaxing in the cool and still keeping fit (eh, aint i doing that?)
so after about an hour, oh my i was tired! last time i remembered doing 40-60 laps per session in total, with breaks and in various styles. these days i cant even sustain 2 laps of freestyle without break. of course breastroke can still go on forever la. and still, i totalled about 20+ laps. urghh think it doesnt help at all honestly. except the tan looks cool. and the water is cool.
so i left the pool to shower, and when i was back with my spectacles to collect my handphone and wallet, i saw this bunch of children, not older than 10 years old, standing in a line across the jumping platforms. they were arched and ready to jump into the pool at the sound of the whistle. i thought to myself, wow theres a new class now, straight after i showered. the children were laughing and joking with the instructor in the kiddiest voices. then suddenly the whistle went off.
6 kids plunged into the pool and transformed into trained adults.
i couldnt believe my eyes! it was the same bunch of people. but i just couldnt make out their kid sized bodies without my specs. it totally amazes me, generally, when someone makes SOMETHING his LIFE. these kids were born in the water, trained since their tender ages. and when i see friends who grew up under these kinda rigourous training, deep inside i aspire to have been that also. trained, excelling in something. and then, it becomes my life.
i never thought of anything being my life before. when i was crazy over skateboarding, my msn nick was SK8 IS LIFE. when i started out playing guitar, it was MUSIC IS LYFE. and when i got crazy over a girl, like really crazy. it became mygirlforlyfe. yes kids, thats how this blog was formed. i keep this blog as a reminder that nothing on this earth will ever become my life again.
and when i mean nothing on this earth i mean nothing on this earth, but something out of this earth.... hmm
when the "specialist" (im refering to ppl who make something their lives) continue on pursueing their area of interest, they will realise that somehow, there's no end to it. they gotta keep pushing their bodies beyond what it is, their minds, their fingers, their brains and keep striving upwards. (that phase i myself understand. stupid girl chasing tactics, mugging music and tests, spending time on wheels at the void deck etc)
but when i pray, instantly i connect with the epitome of creation. something that couldnt be done in the old testament, and only by the atoning sacrifice of one man. i reach God without mugging, withoutmy own effort, and i find peace. and that's because God wants to reach to me!
of course, there is the part of CONTINUOUS growing and being sanctified, TIL we're glorified. that is another part entirely, and for that we have to keep our spiritual disciplines (qt, bible reading, intercession, witnessing, and working out our salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12 )
so does it mean that now i can reach God, i do nothing else? no! after i receive the blessings from God, then it'll be time to serve and glorify him. (we're called to that too) and we do all these as part of being sanctified. and then comes the question of IN WHAT AREA SHOULD I GLORIFY HIM? with our gifts and talents of course! that is when i will swim for God if i am a swimmer. when i will get all my awards and As if i'm a gifted student. when i will preach the message of God's love if i'm an avid speaker. when i will write about his glory and worship him with all my might if im a musician.
live n loaded rly sparked off something... about playing music live. about channelling that bit of God's love out of the church worship context, and into the world. and i know its gonna be so tough. but hey, God desires a broken spirit and a contrite heart, amen?! (psalm 51:17)
Posted by keithc at 10:00 AM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
urghh and i failed to update yesterday night because i came home too late. it was kinda activity filled yesterday, which isnt too good. kinda.started my day at 4.30am when i sent my sis off to the airport. the bb boys have indeed grown from little cute sec2s to mature young men at sec4. physically, 3/4 of them are taller than me by more than 5cm. HOW LONG MORE WILL I PUT UP WITH THIS GENERATION. all of them are getting so tall. even the girls (my sis is a few cm away to my height) and i really cant stand how i used to be one of the tallest in class, and then everyone caught up eventually. i really only grew 3 cm in secondary school. from 168 to 171. and recently, when i did my checkup, i was 171.5. -.-
seeing the boys now so grown up and all, kinda leaves me stranded and at a loss, that i wasnt with them last year to see them through. but urghh if it wasnt for guitar cca, i'd still have made more frequent trips back to BB on parade days, even though i wont be able to commit to the other plans and stuff. but it was a good time of seeing the guys from BB and the girls from GB ( i know most of them through my sis hahaha) and how they interact with each other. it was almost like a mini-my-sec-school-life kinda thing.
so it was kinda cool for my sis to have her big bro send her off when none of her friends had that kinda privillege. and then a lil later, i engaged with a bb junior about how being in leadership was like..
he kinda said smth that struck me quite hard, (and i never even had direct conversations with him last time)
"everyone knows you were super emo what! how to hide, you were a cos, super obvious!" and i really thought i tried my best to hide all my feelings in last time. but it was so many years ago, i cant fully remember because i've moved on. and when i look back, its almost the same as looking back at primary school when you are in secondary school. it feels like i've been a kid for what, all my life? even that learning curve in secondary school wasnt that steep for me. and perhaps i've not even tasted what leadership was like in BB, what handling people's lives were, and have been too caught up with my own issues that even i cannot handle on my own.
and when i compare to the lives that my past seniors led last time, and other friends who have had much better leadership skills, they truly shone even at sec3 and sec4. they truly displayed the love, responsibility and stability in their actions and emotions. and there i am, struggling with issues like homework, parents daily naggings and ramblings, girls and the many thousand emo gushes i had because perhaps my hormones were raging so much more at that time. of course there were more, some too serious to spill over here, and issues that arent resolved up to now.
despite all these, i still became a leader again in church, with people telling me now is the time to rise up, do not let anyone look down on you because you are young ( and indeed it is young being a leader at 17 for your church) and i happened to be the youngest too. so i tried again, working back into the hot seat of leadership, going through many "life lessons" from my older leaders, learning how to do ministry work better. and i was lost, caught up with the mix of school work, church work, balancing relationships and it boiled down to time management and discipline, which was something i seriously screwed up big time my entire life.
as a result, the things i did well in shone, but the things i didnt do well in, i couldnt make up for that loss. and before i knew it, promos were over. and my pastor bombed me with "if you cant do well in your general calling, stop ministry" he didnt mean totally stop, he just meant the balance was important in honouring God. then the real bomb came:
did i glory God in all that i did? all that hard work and toil that i did for ministry? getting so busy and on fire with worship ministry... etc. at once, everything just dropped. even the supposing youth camp i was planning, i left it to my co-workers. i just couldnt function with doing anything at all because if everything i did displayed God in a negative light, i wont be able to live with it!
but thank God the youth camp went as he planned. it went TOTALLY as God wanted it to be, so much so that i felt used after it. so much so that after the camp, the fire in me just died. it didnt even sustain for a day. but that will be for another post...
so God had his plan, he stripped me of everything. no school, no leadership, no support, no more attention. and i said this before, it is when you are stripped naked that you feel the lightest, but you have to be careful or it may become emptiness.
by being stripped bare, i have indeed so much more time to rest in God. its so easy to fork out the time to spend with God longer now. something i would kill to have last year in jc. now, easily, 1 or 2 hours i can reserve for God if only i put myself down to it. sleep is no longer an issue, and stress, not at all. but i have to choose daily still, to lead this life of christ, to be pure and blameless, without sin. to pick up this heavy cross for excellence for His name. to fork out the time to spend with him, and do my reflections. no longer will i be drifting, from day to day and forgetting what happened the day before. if i do not choose all these things, i would become empty, instead of just light. i would then be making my position and ministry my God, other than the true God himself. so i have to get down to the basics again, and its also the most painful this year.
after sending my sis off, went back home to sleep. overslept so i couldnt swim, then made a trip down to fairfield for the carnival briefing. i had volunteered to help out because i was free, and yiling and naijie happened to be helping out too. but i didnt get to think of much when i was with the kids, after all they are really primary school kids. at that age, i know most guys wont be able to think at all. but girls will already be facing stuff like backstabs and friendship issues.
after which, went to find team ACTX again for slumdog millionaire! it was really a fantastic show and it dwelved deep into the life of jamal. had everything in it from action to romance, and the peaks and lows of the show were very distinct. weichiang managed to grab the last line6 toneport, which is a recording device for music.. and i got my pitchblack tuner after 5 long months of no stocks! i know God blessed us with these things, wheeee! just hope today will be just fine:)
Posted by keithc at 9:13 PM
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
okay.. so this is my slack week.i really do hope i get to intern at truthmin starting next week or so. hope they approve me!
at first i was really dreading coming back to singapore when i was still at myanmar because i just didnt want to be stuck and empty again. and i know we arent suppose to be filled with activity and find satisfaction with activity because our identity comes from God and we should be filled daily regardless of whatever we do.
just as how the Lord has taught one of my friends in trackers about being still and being just quiet like mary, to sit at His feet and "centre' on the life and character of Jesus Christ, i find myself starting to learn the same. yesterday was the start of the week of rest and i still felt dry and empty. but today onwards for the rest of this week im going to blog, and im going to blog seriously about everyday. about my reflections since last year after promos, the personal retreat i took after that, the youth camp, post youth camp, and the new year.
then trackers, and the entire process of going through the bible training phase, the mission trip. the insight i have gained, knowledge i have learned, new friends and how they are so different, so new, so unknown all over again. so unknown and so exciting, just being thrown here and there and everywhere. i sometimes genuinely feel like God keeps throwing me around, from the 3 months in trackers 08, to the 7months of JC life. then again into trackers 09, (because i didnt really think twice about accepting the offer) and now leaving trackers 09 and into another phase of poly life.
and God has been faithful throughout.
when he puts you through such junk, such utter rubbish at that point you'd think, and i really couldnt stop hating myself for being a mere human. i wish i was so much more special, talented. the kind that doesnt need to do much to get the grades easier. so talented, i wouldnt even need to study to earn a living.
has God indeed blessed us all equally? or has he made some of us better than others?
and yet, i will give back to the Lord. i will give whatever i have, small or big. i know he values my response. who is this God im trusting, i dont even know. i dont know what he'll throw me into next, who knows if the next 3 years will really be spent in poly for me? i dont even dare to plan my life! who knows what will happen after that? and can i trust Him to provide for me? to shine for him despite my lack of... everything?
Trackers 09 made me realise even more, of how small i am. there seems to be no limit to how small you can get... after promos i felt useless in the eyes of the world. like i couldnt even pass, and in trackers 09, i kinda every part of me that seems to define who i am. the fun personality, the guitar playing, the musical side, the jokey side, the quiet side, the humble side. what defines me ultimately? who am i and what am i grounded on? if i could describe moses and jesus and david, it would be men of God, men after God's heart, etc. but here when i describe myself, i dont know what or who am i. i am a drifter, with no solid roots. no firm foundation and though im rooted once in a while, i detach at times.
there are seriously times when i feel like backsliding. like just letting loose and relax, and just keep to myself and doing what i want. and yet i know that wouldnt pay off.
what pays off? eternally? and now i know believing and following Jesus leads me in the right way, with joy, meaning, purpose and eternal life, am i being selfish in my approach towards christianity? was Paul selfish when he was talking about his prize he would obtain at the end of his race? i dont think so. you dont run to lose, everyone runs to win. so if i were to find joy and happiness and eternal life seeking after the heart of God, it is a valid reason isnt it? suffering comes in too of course, perhaps suffering would be the test of whether or not i'll be fit to claim the prize.
also another thing is about my attitude. ive become so slack and so relaxed as well, not being able to maintain that spirit of excellence that i once had. i know i have dropped my "performance syndrome" since learning that in trackers, about keeping in top form and so on, but still things cant have slackened to this state. in this case, performance syndrome is perfectly matching for me because when i do that, i know i am doing my utmost best. but when is it the time to just let go and let God?
when is the right time to be a mary, to sit at the feet of jesus even though i know i could be helping martha out?
