Tuesday, March 10, 2009
okay.. so this is my slack week.
i really do hope i get to intern at truthmin starting next week or so. hope they approve me!
at first i was really dreading coming back to singapore when i was still at myanmar because i just didnt want to be stuck and empty again. and i know we arent suppose to be filled with activity and find satisfaction with activity because our identity comes from God and we should be filled daily regardless of whatever we do.
just as how the Lord has taught one of my friends in trackers about being still and being just quiet like mary, to sit at His feet and "centre' on the life and character of Jesus Christ, i find myself starting to learn the same. yesterday was the start of the week of rest and i still felt dry and empty. but today onwards for the rest of this week im going to blog, and im going to blog seriously about everyday. about my reflections since last year after promos, the personal retreat i took after that, the youth camp, post youth camp, and the new year.
then trackers, and the entire process of going through the bible training phase, the mission trip. the insight i have gained, knowledge i have learned, new friends and how they are so different, so new, so unknown all over again. so unknown and so exciting, just being thrown here and there and everywhere. i sometimes genuinely feel like God keeps throwing me around, from the 3 months in trackers 08, to the 7months of JC life. then again into trackers 09, (because i didnt really think twice about accepting the offer) and now leaving trackers 09 and into another phase of poly life.
and God has been faithful throughout.
when he puts you through such junk, such utter rubbish at that point you'd think, and i really couldnt stop hating myself for being a mere human. i wish i was so much more special, talented. the kind that doesnt need to do much to get the grades easier. so talented, i wouldnt even need to study to earn a living.
has God indeed blessed us all equally? or has he made some of us better than others?
and yet, i will give back to the Lord. i will give whatever i have, small or big. i know he values my response. who is this God im trusting, i dont even know. i dont know what he'll throw me into next, who knows if the next 3 years will really be spent in poly for me? i dont even dare to plan my life! who knows what will happen after that? and can i trust Him to provide for me? to shine for him despite my lack of... everything?
Trackers 09 made me realise even more, of how small i am. there seems to be no limit to how small you can get... after promos i felt useless in the eyes of the world. like i couldnt even pass, and in trackers 09, i kinda every part of me that seems to define who i am. the fun personality, the guitar playing, the musical side, the jokey side, the quiet side, the humble side. what defines me ultimately? who am i and what am i grounded on? if i could describe moses and jesus and david, it would be men of God, men after God's heart, etc. but here when i describe myself, i dont know what or who am i. i am a drifter, with no solid roots. no firm foundation and though im rooted once in a while, i detach at times.
there are seriously times when i feel like backsliding. like just letting loose and relax, and just keep to myself and doing what i want. and yet i know that wouldnt pay off.
what pays off? eternally? and now i know believing and following Jesus leads me in the right way, with joy, meaning, purpose and eternal life, am i being selfish in my approach towards christianity? was Paul selfish when he was talking about his prize he would obtain at the end of his race? i dont think so. you dont run to lose, everyone runs to win. so if i were to find joy and happiness and eternal life seeking after the heart of God, it is a valid reason isnt it? suffering comes in too of course, perhaps suffering would be the test of whether or not i'll be fit to claim the prize.
also another thing is about my attitude. ive become so slack and so relaxed as well, not being able to maintain that spirit of excellence that i once had. i know i have dropped my "performance syndrome" since learning that in trackers, about keeping in top form and so on, but still things cant have slackened to this state. in this case, performance syndrome is perfectly matching for me because when i do that, i know i am doing my utmost best. but when is it the time to just let go and let God?
when is the right time to be a mary, to sit at the feet of jesus even though i know i could be helping martha out?
Posted by keithc at 12:58 AM
