Tuesday, March 17, 2009
im.not.
sure.
this is all i have to say for the upcoming month that i'll have here in singapore. its like rojak, a mixture of everything and i only have plans for up to monday.
it was kinda pissing how my parents slammed the idea of me going to myanmar again, its like they just repeat the cassette tape in them everytime i mention "go back to myanmar". they'll be like, no keith. no. its very dangerous. no.
and they dont even give me a chance to talk about how safe it is over there, the things i'll be doing over there, how i totally long for something meaningful to do as i spend my month, and how God would be able to take care of me. its just so unfair at times, and what can i say, they are bad parents? no they are good parents because they care that much. so am i suppose to be happy or sad?
i should be happy because im so fortunate to have such parents. but deep inside every angsty teen, the automatic reaction would be to rebel. im always prone to such tendancies i confess, i can easily submit to leaders, pastor or whatever, but when my parents come into the picture, i just dont want them to have their way handling my life!
somebody please tell me this is normal. or is it only me behaving like that? i hate it when i do something deliberately wrong, then something goes wrong. then a parent comes and say "see, see never do what i told you. now u regret" honestly that totally swipes off every inch of my pride. its humiliating. and how i just wish for one chance to get back at them, that kind of vengeful feeling that wells up in me is overwhelming and nothing but ungodly.
and the next moment, im in my room in tears because i cannot control my feelings. im a kid. i can control my actions, to bring myself into my room before i explode. but im sad that im really just a kid. i cant see the big picture and still think my parents are too much. im a kid. i only see things from my perspective and hence, their imperfection.
what makes it worse is that you know your parents arent good examples. they are screwed in some areas that makes them incapable of having any power over you in that area. let me give u a biblical example.
david, in the bible when he committed his sins of murder and adultery, he was forgiven and life resumed and he was righteous in the sight of God again. but the legacy it left behind, nothing could stop it.
when one of the other sons of david raped tamar, a daughter borned out of another wife, (indirect siblings, in a sense it was incest), david couldnt step in to judge. that resulted in absalom, david's eldest son, killing that brother. (murder, amongst the brothers). this would have hurt david the most to see his sons commiting his very own sins, and yet, he had lost all moral authority to do anything about it.
what does this show then about obeying your parents? especially when your parents have lost that moral authority to govern you? i can only safely say, stick to the scriptures. even up to now i struggle with "obey your mother and father", because i feel its just not justified when they cant live it out, but i know when my law comes from the word, it is safe.
wow i have digressed. so back to the upcoming month, while i feel God may not have spoken to me about what to do, so far he's placed several things to take care off. its coincidental how jason at this time would send an email asking for help. while debbie's church has found someone to fill up a position to go to myanmar. how gareth has also offered me a place to help in his internship at kkmc, and how theres a nice free day for my churchies to go out together! man i really miss them, because the past few sundays (about a month or more) has totally been touch and go, and there's no real follow up and quality time spent since 2009 started. i hope thurs will be a good time to catch up more in depth.
thinking about this leads me to remember pastor kaiming's no.1 quote on his facebook page, "the righteous shall live by faith". i found it weird because its like u can take the sentence for what it is, but why "righteous" and why "faith"? its like.
fill in the blanks.
the _______ shall live by _______. (3m)
i can almost put anything in there and it'll still sound good. and right now, the "live by faith" seems to be clinging on to me because i really feel like im living and moving by faith for now. not knowing anything, hoping that i can grow and do productive things for the Lord. but on the side of righteousness, i still cannot grasp. i needa keep praying, and when God does convict me of things, i really need the strength to submit to it. purely, no more holding on to anything else, no more rebellion.
what the, i need those muscles -.-
hmmm pure rebellion. paramore and hey monday are great bands that sound and look alike. hmmm.