Friday, October 31, 2008

who i am hates who i am.
i dont know what really has happened over this year. when i read my archives of my transitional stage from last year to this year, i saw myself right in my heart. have i grown stronger, or just more immune to the messages from the Holy Spirit?
My heart now beats a different beat, a slow, heavy one. shocked by my current state. heart, not mind, because God looks at the heart of men :

"Friday, December 14, 2007

i'm going crazy.
it feels like puberty all over again...
i'm waste. i'm a trash.
am i being testosterone controlled again? by my male ego?

i dont want to be myself anymore. starting today, i am gone.
starting today, nothing i do will be for myself.
starting today, i will not crack lame jokes. whether to appease myself, or others.
starting today, i shall renew my spirit, i shall walk in the light again.
starting today, i will seek first the kingdom of God, and not expect anything else to follow through.
starting today, i will combat my sin with my gang.
starting today, i will not succumb to pretty faces.
starting today, hot blood will have a higher boiling point.
starting today, i shall find my purpose which was lost.

help me Lord Jesus, to be the keith you want me to be, not the keith that keith wants to be.

for what is existance without God?
its just existing to exist.
what is a rock and roll life with gear, girls, drinks and drugs?
its just existing to exist.
what is self boosting of self-esteem?
crap.
what is fantasy?
time wastage.

time to wake up, everything Self-provoked is worldly. everything that makes you smile is worldly.
but when God makes you smile, its not considered a smile. its a rare, much sought after joy that you cant find on your own.
the peace which transcends all understanding.
its time to forget vaughan, forget hendrix, and just play for God.
its time to forget paul, forget girls, and just concentrate for his work.

all this, not by my own effort, but with the help of God, if he grants it."

i actually said that prayer on my blog a year ago? its really a bold and desperate one! have i actually grown stronger in trackers and in all that happened this year? im nearly crying just reading my heart out from a year ago. i knew no philosophy, no true meaning of what joy is. but one thing i knew, it was desperation.

firstly, i shall not doubt the Holy Spirit. i have changed, and have been transformed by His Word over the year. many of my sins and struggles left, but then with strength comes something else, pride. an uneccessary upsurge of confidence. in myself?

secondly, i realised
One never grows stronger in the Lord,

its The Lord that grows stronger in You.

how true and apt as i reflect back in the year. how it has been more of me all the while, even if its just a bit more. how i always wanted to show God, but seldom letting Him show Himself. though i was sincere, though i wanted the close relationship, though i did things to express that desire. i deliberately memorised verses, kept him in mind, prayed and fasted, but its just more of my input than His.

we become strong because God allows it.
we learn because God enables us to.
we climb to our hot-topic, spiritual maturity because He ordained it to happen in His time.

im just lost for words right now, in awe and just stunned at how small i am.





Posted by keithc at 10:19 AM