Wednesday, September 03, 2008

i am so dead... im feeling near hopeless. though i know its not hopeless. but no this time round it feels like my mind aint strong enough to overcome emotions.

my holidays are up... what have i achieved in these 3 days? ive not been hardcore mugging like i promised myself. though i know i have been studying, its just not enough and im not concious enough to keep awake and alert for just more than 2 hours in a row. its always like this, how can i leave to go to YMLC without possibly thinking of studies and all?

and then its the same thing... dad comes, mum comes... nag on me and my focus/priorities/commitments... just like mrs tie's first response when i told her i cant make it for chem remedial on friday. i hate myself for not justifying my commitments. ppl will judge me and say "this keith ah think he do so much for God. but his results like crap. never study one".
i used to think its better for me to be in church than at home studying, but no, because God reveals himself in my studies and is happy when i do it for him. im praying and really hope God will make me right in the sense to handle my commitments well. with the amount of ministry or commitments i have, should come the results as well.

hmm.. why do we live.
i remember asking someone this year randomly on msn, "why do you live?"
i was feeling kinda gay and high so i just popped a random question. my friend, though it seems like he/she is religious and has a strong sense of purpose, but he/she couldnt reply me properly... it came out like... "liddat lah. i dunno. to do well? support my family?"
other than to be obedient and fillial to your parents, what else do you live for? yourself? when ur gonna die anyway?

if at the end there will be nothing, nothing to be gained, then what incentive do we have for living? In literature lecture today mr kang was right in saying he should apply what we learn into our lives. the ppl of "brave new world" never asked why. and the totalitarian state does all it can to prevent them from asking "why". in the end, people live to work, and work for the sake of getting things moving, getting economy flourishing. who ultimately benefits?

today delci told me her teacher MR KEITH TAN's story. first, as students, we're good. then special or whatever. then lastly exceptional. the whole lecture theatre was told/ encouraged to be exceptional. haha and as a typical lit student, i would question. if everyone was exceptional then who really stands out? we'll all be equal, uniform. excellent but so what?

if we live to live, or live because we're too scared to commit suicide, then we are seriously blind.
if we live for ourselves, we obviously havent seen the fact that everything will be gone when we die.
if we live because we know there's something more to life and we're waiting for it to come as we slowly discover it, ah thats something. keep waiting, you'll discover it.

i dont know what i'd do if i had nothing to live for. i asked myself this question back in sec3. why was my world forcing me to study? no i didnt want to. i didnt want to conform even though i knew i could. miss wong nagging, mummy nagging, daddy nagging. all want me to do well. give me solid reasons to i'd say, and they'd say for your future, for your own good.
take all that hypocrisy back i'd say, i dont care for my future. i'll die anyway.

but somewhere deep in a corner of my head i knew God was watching. i knew Jesus cared. i knew what i needed to do in order to be back with Jesus again. So i told myself again, i renewed my commitment of "whatever i do, i do it for You", i studied for Christ.
when i said "i'm studying for God", i dint know what it meant at first.
but now i see it as a direct outcry, a clear sign that for the sake of Christ i am doing something i dont enjoy.
now i see it as an opportunity for Christ to reveal himself through the stretching of my character and the results that will come. How he'd deliver me and how he'd work through me.
now i see it in terms of my future because the more i'd achieve in the future, the more God will be glorified. and even if i dont manage to achieve, i know God has been with me all the way. what can be more comforting than that? I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. (romans 8:37)

stop studying, or even living for a while. we need to question ourselves "why", and stop doing things because we have to. we have to do things because we want to.

i am not feeling hopeless anymore:)

Posted by keithc at 7:50 AM