Friday, August 01, 2008
this week has been pretty tough.
somehow i feel my qt hasnt been effective... i actually stopped fasting for a few days. i told myself, "
if qt becomes like an everyday progression then im gonna break the routine, its getting meaningless. i will work it out with God tonight, then fast tmr."
throughout the week, i thought i was okay, on track.. making effort to do qt even during break on some days. and then slipping out of the faith for a while again.
did i mention sin plays a part?
did i get back to God at night in the end? nopee. so busy and so tired.. and lacking so much sleep.
i couldnt even do qt in the bus.. just slept..
so many bad stuffs happened.. i cant even think what went right.
mrs tie is pissed off with my guitar commitments...
went late for worship rehearsal today... sound check was bad..
stayed up til 2am to do my econs essay on tuesday, and it was all wrong.
lost in maths lecture
lost with econs...
lost my wallet...
everything just seems to be hanging and drifting. and it seems to be okay, no problem. drift lor.. this.. heck care attitude and all is just so tempting to adopt when ur in school studying, and when the going gets tough.
its like my chem tutorial. see qn dunno how to do, skip alr.. cause will discuss in tutorial anyway. but why skip? so can sleep earlier..
and mrs tie wasnt happy at all... though she really loves us all and so on.
that excellence is lost. the will and fire to study just goes away.
and wads with all the distractions.
first the eyecandy thing comes along. and i get all high.
then i get to play guitar for worship. all high again.
then there's fop... all high?
joel's birthday...
founders day dinner...
parents. (constitutes of almost all my problems at home)
it draws me away from the centre, the heart of God. the things that attract the heart of men, are nothing short of insidious. insidious = nice/attractive, but potentially fatal. hahah i learned this from markk this week.
what seems to be so harmless actually does affect you without you even knowing.. and of all the distractions, being tired seems to be a huge issue for me. so, that adds another wrong into this week.. the lack of rest.
i just broke down after my mum nagged me over my lost wallet. i'd rather she just scold me and get done with it... but nono. mums nag. nagging brings me to a point which is worse than being scolded... ok tts besides the point.
i asked God to show me my week. one of the most eventful ones.. slowly and reveal to me why stuff werent going right, and though i seem to be feeling right about it, some consequences that came couldnt be justified for what i did.
and i realised its because i've thought everything was going ok... relax. take it EEEEEAAAsayy.
and i now know i need a wake up call. things cant be slackened to this state. i gotta start sleeping early, focussing in school. being punctual. and though i dont pon anything, my mind isnt in class. so whats the point? its as good as ponning in the eyes of God.
and its because i thought everything was ok, that i didnt rely on God as much as i needed to.
no, everything's not okay.
i realised everyone did well for mid years too, those in my school from another class, or another school. ppl are getting Cs, Ds, Es... i'm getting S and Us... there's a huge difference.
T11, what mr kam says is indeed true, that we're one of the last classes already... our grades cant be taken for "normal" or "expected". we gotta work much harder this term...
already, the whole econs topic this term is screwed... maclaurin's is bad too. so much harm has already been done in my school life. can God recover all that for me?
and my own heart which has been so... conceited. so confident in my faith. will the Lord break it for good this time so as to wake me up? id accept any kind of bomb in my life now, if it'll cause me to rely. i'm desperate to be desperate.
Seeking the Lord. one out of the 4 steps to revival.. its specifically catered to ppl who have problems, big or small, and leave God out of them. i've become one of them this week.. over small problems i didnt feel were important enough to address.. and it affected my attitude.
Jesus said, "i am the way, the truth, and the life".
i'm just so blind at times. so imperfect. open the eyes of my heart Lord, i want to see you.
Posted by keithc at 10:46 AM
