Friday, July 11, 2008

tired = easier to get emo.
poor results trigger it off, top it up with a few hurting comments, woots... but nope i was still ok no prob.

a conversation in a car led me to think of my past, and placed me exactly in my own shoes 1 year ago, about this time of the year as well. about how everything just seemed to suck and ur against the world and the world is against you. about how nobody ever SEEMS to understand cause they have it all, and i didnt. or perhaps i couldnt see that i had so much?
loneliness creeps in at every moment. a casual reply from a friend can be interpretted as daoing. a quick short snappy reply after asking a question of genuine care can be interpretted as not wanting to talk to you.

a slight edge in tone of voice can be interpretted as superiority over you.
it just leads you to do something desperate, something bad. you want to hurt someone, it can be a friend, it can be someone you dont know, it can be someone you dont care about, it can even be yourself.

i must have went around hurting ppl in small ways. it came out like nobody's business.. i remember being the spiderman in the black suit, just being so myself, feeling so powerful, running away from God cause i thought he couldnt do much about my situation, then running back in desperation. but sometimes, God calls you to walk alone. (quoted from miss kwok, yes, Dorcas Kwok. she said this when i shared about my story in trackers.)
i've always struggled about why some are weak, and some are just so strong and seem to have everything. and most recently, why the strong cant understand the weak properly. its exactly like they say, if you havent been there, and really there, how could you judge or just imagine urself to be the person, placing urself in his shoes? perhaps its more than bad grades, bad friends, bad family? perhaps there are many other things piling up day after day as well?

unconciously, the emo hurt others and still find no satisfaction from it. then they try hurting themselves.
its still in my archives, the post i posted last year about hurting myself, and i'm not afraid to share it now because i've moved out of that phase. it was a post about keeping away all the sharp objects in my room.. i hated myself to the max. (ttm) i hated the world and God's unfairness. and i just couldnt understand why i was so solo, so alone.
like what i told my sis, i believe some of my friends til today still can look at me with the same attitude.. i cant do anything about it because we have all moved on, and the memories ppl have of me are still so 07.
thinking about what i heard in the car made me realise how unconcious i was in the way i treated my friends. i returned what i assumed as dao-age for pure dao-age. i didnt practice what i preached. i couldnt hang on to God as much as i said i could, shifting in and out of being in contact with God. it was a war raging within, sometimes the lighter side winning and sometimes the other. it was hard to judge, even for myself, what kind of person i was. u could conclude safely i was struggling. definitely not a good example for many of my friends who thought i was walking well with God.

i remembered as an emo kid in an emo state, i might have done attention seeking stuff, be it expressing my hurt and angst openly for ppl to see, or blogging here for my regulars to read. but the true fact i knew is that nothing, nothing they ever did could make up for the hurt i felt. even if they showed care or concern, i would have seen it as deliberate, an attempt to get me back in the clique. an attempt to act holy and do what the christian should. the darkness doesnt stop, it consumes like a poison and while it may have felt good to the emoing soul, it does more harm and your soul never recovers.

til the day i let it go on my own, i handed over the struggle entirely to God, i showed no rebellious signs back to my teachers or friends was i fully able to walk in the light again. i denied my emo feelings to accept what the few of my friends offered me, and suddenly the fakeness of helping became true genuine help. Christ shone through them like never before cause my eyes were open to receive it. in a way, i humbled myself, denying every human feeling to accept love and concern, and slowly i knew my wounded soul was healing.
those were the great days of the study period. the days after school was over and i had the time to spend with God and study..

it all boils back to one thing. if you love God, you will love his people. Christ alone compels us to love, even if no one loves us. elijah emoed cause he was the last prophet left and everyone was out to kill him. But God provides, he reserved the few for him.

its crazy how small we think God is at times.

i believe you're my healer
i believe you're more than enough for me
Jesus you're all I need.

Posted by keithc at 10:53 AM