Thursday, April 10, 2008
i really want to know, what BB is all about..
why do people stay in BB, what drives and fuels their passion to carry on.
these are questions not for serving primers or seniors, but really, for the long-term officers, sheow en and mr tan.
hidden walls, there's just too many. people outcasting you silently, because u cant play a popular sport well or maybe you talk funny. maybe because ur not tall and fit like every other standard bb boy. or are able to crack hilarious jokes that may even be morally incorrect and yet it gets everyone laughing, so they love you.
why do the great people seem popular? issit fun, popularity, friends that fuel them?
the thought of true service, doing it for God and no one else seems hard for me to picture in my head in bb. its just weird, but of the problems in my life i had, my very own cca which i loved seemed to pose problems i never thought were possible.
just a couple of weeks ago one of my friends serving in bb, told me about why __ wanted to leave. because friends left? the "older, closer batch" is gone? the meaning of bonding and fun is gone?
how to bond bb boys, when you yourself have no bb friends to bond with? issit only a specific calling only the minority can have?
even in 33rd j, it seems to me the officers look like their on fire, is it because they are serving together with people from the same batch as them? and when you're the only one left, u feel like leaving... how is that possible?
it could be that God, seeing your heart for him, provides friends along the way for you. so does that mean if he takes them away, you arent called into the ministry?
and when you finally decide to leave, because u realise it isnt fit for you and it isnt the ministry you are called into, people leave you just like that. seldom a hi and bye, and maybe still harbouring bad thoughts, grudges or brandings on you.
ok, i've actually been talking about several people at the same time all this while, mashed into one. it seems being solo and being bonded with friends work hand in hand in the ministry in Boys Brigade, and you need to know when you are solo, and when you have friends to back you up.
but when u become too close with ur friends, and they leave. will you lose your purpose?
and if you dont become too close with ur friends, then what is bb all about?? where's the community?
i've never thought about this, no matter how emo i was last year in sec4...
God loves us, therefore he gives us choices... and there's no wrong area you are to serve in.
for me, its clear and i know my direction isnt here... but elsewhere. the time, devoted to school and church.
people dont serve because they have to, but because they want to.
bb dudes... it may seem like rubbish coming from me, especially. but i really hope if you are reading this to know "why am i serving?"
and i still hope to maintain great relationships with you:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ok, i just pangsehed my chem notes even though there's chem test tmr.. right now my mind just.. isnt right. econs seems good though, at least its a subject i like slightly.. hahahah. hope the essay will go alright...
chem is just 0.0 lost. really lost. always and everytime, moles moles and more moles and even though i survived Os i dun get moles. but i have been lenient with myself, first time to every single test.. what to expect? esp for econs and lit... gp as well. never even write things like that before, how to do well on first try? just die then try again la.
still, i need more discipline to get things moving. like that kind i once had... after school at 3, stay back study. meet miss lee til 6, go home, bathe, eat, then go uncle's house study til12. that was the kind of discipline i had! but is it only willing to come out of me when i am really desperate!? i need to try a new strategy... controlled discipline. which btw, requires even more discipline to control it.
ok thats crap.
but basically, managing your time to work and play evenly, is even more discipline than just working and working. and these days, the school feeling just stinks... workload upon workload, stuffy weather, PE, stuffy weather, mr kam's loud voice, super fast maths pace, lagging tutorials, its all too much to handle.
all of a sudden, an idiot called keith has to say "ahh life sucks!" whether jokingly or seriously it didnt matter, it came out.
and if affected the class. at least those around him.
it may have even affected the econs teacher.
i cant believe i said that. life sucks, knowing the dangers of believing in such a lie! does life really suck? i cant believe i had just crushed my own faith, beat it down with my own hands. that was a horribly stupid thing to say! we are made to be victorious in whatever we do! and once He promises, why do we doubt him and still carry on muttering our own thoughts to the world, as if we crave worldly attention.
from now onwards, there will be no more life sucks.
it wont even be "life sucks, but because i got God its good" thats paradoxical, why would God create you to suck in life, only for you to realise he's there to save u?
He created life GREAT. so lets embrace it and look at LONG TERM, not SHORT TERM. (woots econs is stuck in my head)
life rocks, we ought to have a positive attitude. can u imagine this:
"class, remember to finish the 3 tutorials i just written on the board by next monday"- a teacher.
"WHOAAA THANKS TEACHER, LIFE ROCKS MAN........."
what attitude is that? it may be sarcastic, but saying "life rocks man" just brings a boost to everyone, a hope that the 3 tutorials may be able to be completed! but what if it goes..
"whoa F--- cb---- (which is common language in cj btw....) LIFE SUCKS"
this kind of attitude will just bring everyone down, making school seem more sucky than it may actually be..
so guys reading my blog, lets just chiong the life rocks thing and try it out next week ok!
on the lengthy card
you promised me something
to hold on to
but when will it start?
this isnt a two way thing
but me mimicking myself in the mirror
hopelessness or hope
i cannot cope.
Posted by keithc at 8:03 AM
