Friday, August 24, 2007
finally had time to blog and recollect lotsa conclusions...
this is life management: making choices...
i never thought i'd see the day where i have to make a choice to forget about the 23.5 mock test results and just continue studying. cause i simply didnt have time to emo... will this make me heartless in the long run?
how about not killing myself or my family for whats really going on deep inside... its amazing how God can sustain you. and no, its not the sustainence like "i can continue to study cause he's in me". no, this time its really a whole new level of problems... and when you read "amazing", it really looks like the stereotype... but oh well, it isnt... and i wonder if its somewhere close to wenjie's forbidden secret and clemence's problems which he doesnt share cause he knows nobody could ever have gone through it... hmm.
cried over the phone with my youth leader, exactly 1 week ago...
speaking to my pastor did help a lot too... and yes, this 2 people are the only ones i have told this latest issue to... not even the bb officers or my best of friends got to hear of it.. its downright top secret.. sorry to everyone, and still thanks for your prayers for my family.. i believe when God's time comes, and it is always right, things will clear itself up...
thats family.. there's still the loner thing going on in class... but yes, i have finally found a cure to that, I HAVE OVERCOMED FRIENDLY PROBLEMS!! here's how.
i used to think, "with god, you dont need anyone else" is just a lie, a selfish lie to make you draw away from friends. but the truth is there, even within christian friends, sometimes they arent always there for you... my friend paul, he's dead now. but he constantly talked to his fellow christian friends over letters that are in the bible... i wonder how many of these are his closest friends? the ones who know him inside out?
the truth is, its not about others knowing you.. its about how much u wanna know about others... giving, is receiving... *chiminology.
cca wise... today was bittersweet. phototaking was painful... but well, i guess dinner and soccer made up for it. though soccer was a bit dry, but alex and alden's friends were pretty fun too. missed out on the afternoon's one, 1stly, no mood. after a maths. 2ndly, had to grab my uniform...
academically...
the 4th time i got disappointed with Amaths... i cant believe how much effort i can actually put/waste on this, and still poof. same feeling as sec3. same feeling as the 23.5 mid years. same feeling as the 23.5 mock test. wth, this is to you, amath.
dear Amath,
i have no idea why you and i cant click properly...
sometimes you appear to be supporting me and giving me sparks of hope whenever i get you right.
and then after every exam u leave me alone, feeling like i dont deserve your friendship... wth is going on, are we destined for each other? each time i fail or cant get the concept right... i'm always caught between trying to know more and understand you better, and yet i also feel tired and that i wanna give you up totally...
but no, the problem's not with you. others can score good marks with you. and yet i cant... what exactly is my problem? issit cause i never spend enough time with you, or i fail to fully understand you??
i'm sorry, labelling you as my favourite subject must be an insult to you. but somehow i feel more inclined towards you as towards physics, even bio...
you are the one that gives me the challenge in school... though yes you have been one of the root causes of lotsa emoing. but all the more i wanna push for you for the Os...
dear amath, i will not give up on you...
love, keith.
what a recyclable letter.. i should write for you again sometime...
Posted by keithc at 8:31 AM
