Thursday, July 26, 2007

today's extreme emo feelings and sick weather totally calls for a post, finally...

i just had to screw it up, when everything was going well.
when God leaves you, so does everyone else... not physically, but its all in your head and you know it.

started school pretty excited, sleeping at 1230 was pretty early already, so left home with quite a bundle of energy. was downstairs outside the 4E locker, standing around like some toot when fern shu wenjie and someone else were sitting on the chair.. then went up, but didnt linger. came back down immediately.
was talking with shu, then i said something casual about "i feel damn unwanted... lol" when they were sitting on the chair and there wasnt any space haha. but then i thought again to myself "upstairs i'm also unwanted anyway".
that began the emo day.

somehow brushed it aside as i was in geog, cause of joel la, u bugger. and english was fun as usual... but in chinese, i noticed something so out.

OBVIOUSLY, so obviously, you were emoing as well. u didnt have to tell anyone or rant or scream to express anything, its just obvious... and i looked at you, and maybe you looked back, but i wasnt sure. and i thought "no one's talking to him/her... even though he/she has great friends. he/she must have been thinking about his/her friends again."

then i related it back to myself, upon my own life. come to think about it, we are pretty much alike. we outcast ourselves, and when shown even the slightest hint of kindness, we choose to ignore it.

during recess you were alone again, and i thought i'd say something to you, so i asked if u were okay. obviously, being in that state, you said u were ok and turned away.
you might as well say "i'm better without you"...
but i understand, fully understand.

during recess, i thought why do i feel hurt when you are down? why do i even feel this uselessness in me that i cant do anything for you?
i felt like a good guy then, being so maganimous. wadever bull.
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after that came the national day thing, where we were supposed to find partners and stuff. obviously, i was left alone again with no one to partner...
maybe its just suay that i didnt ask anyone earlier or made my move first,

or maybe i really wasnt important at all...

i brushed the morning's chain of thoughts aside, but i couldnt for the afternoon's affairs...

then i looked at you, you were smiling again, with your partner you were pleased. joking and laughing, instantly i felt much better for you.

but i myself was hurt this time.



forget it, its my fault for screwing up my own life, i'm already being saved by grace.

i really wanna brush everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, aside. that has already been done for my guitar and amp... next will be the stereo, the TV. but the com cannot, cause my family needs to use it...
maybe i'll even brush aside and friendly outing invitations, and even friends.
i just wanna focus, after this week it'll be only 3 more weeks wtp. and i havent done a shit.

screw it, i'm back to square one. the defeated, lonely, self condemning scum of the class.
unwanted, rejected, i really wish i could carve out a path alone...
but i know its not possible.

caught in this in-between act of fakeness,
choose one, happy or sad.

Posted by keithc at 12:07 AM