Tuesday, July 31, 2007
that blew it, totally.
while i tried controlling it in, staying alone to stay safe... i considered every possibility, how i could have reacted. i had my actions in my hands...
on one part, it was "okay, im pissed. i'm just gonna walk in, i dont even know how to face my friends... take the merit stuff and f off, easy."
the other was "its okay keith, u have done ur best and ur gonna smile as u walk on stage, comon! its merit and ur the one representing the rest of bb for it.. what's wrong? why are u sulking?"
i claim reason not to be happy... i tried really hard to talk myself out of it, saying "look, its certain. its in black and white, u suck. u dont deserve this award u know?"
but the thing is i dont suck! i've done a lot... even if ppl dun outwardly see it... i'm not a bad guy? its okay, mr tan spoke to me already... he gave me a reason why, and i realised my flaws myself... i accepted it...
but acceptance was just part 1, there was the whole rehearsal to go through...
seeing the other dudes' pics up there, and mine could have been to... it was totally painful. i took bb as seriously as any of them, if not more... and i loved it even though handling the company was tough, even though i sucked at soccer but i still played... even though u can lotsa backlash, even though u arent in the dover clique.
and yet, due to external factors out of bb, i didnt get my award. heck, not that we got founders' either...
there's nothing good about bb for me to keep and bring home, even years after O levels...
memories? lots of them have turned sour...
if nothing is done, will going back to serve make a difference?
emo. emo enough to make a new skin, aww heck about the study scheme, who gives a shit when u have totally no mood? i dont feel like it! not every human can pick themselves up so fast...
why am i blogging? the world doesn view my blog, maybe some close friends... but i'm not justifying myself, i just need to release this grieviance... releasing stuff that no one will take seriously cause they know who i am.
sorry daniel, sorry wenjie... this isnt as easy to swallow as any other events like mid years or bb farewell... its rly the end of the 4 years... and while u left with good impressions, high ranks, founders' for enping... its rly nothing worth remembering for me...
everything i did in bb, nothing was at its top. drill, pumpings, PT.. even handling juniors, no i'm not a natural leader... could it be a fluke? or was it just cause i was a GOOD FRIEND to the other leaders?
"the reason we picked you was because you 5 are very much closely knitted... and we dont want a repeat of the previous batch"-mr tan
"hey... do u really think i'm capable enough to be a cos? -me, 1 year ago.
"yes... u can." -wenjie. 1 year ago.
"hmm... okay... well, at least i know if i cant handle, i'll have you guys with me!"-me again.
lots of past memories flooding back, how we literally grew up together with others like sheow en, mr tiong... how we hiked and suffered, as well as when i scored my first goal and u guys hi-5ing me cause i never did before..
its crazy to see ur budds making it but ur left behind... imagine what the juniors will say.
but what the hell, why am i caring about what they say??
this is after all, an award... going on stage to get ur fruits of ur labour, but still
why make me take the merit? its so torturous, it hurts all the way in.
have u ever felt miserable to the point of vomitting and having stomachaches...
when u'd love to force a smile but u know you'll cry doing so, cause its too fake hiding your real feelings...
as the names were called, one by one, all my good friends went up to "take" their awards. any moment then, it could have been tears, it could have been me walking out to cry... but i kept it in... and suddenly i felt strong, like no one could have underwent what i went through...
i'm struggling with my decisions, my thoughts, even my faith...
maybe i have not seen His plan yet... maybe this is punishment... but its really very painful..
yes, u provided a period of peace for me during the worship, and i gotts say its the best worship i ever had cause i was tearing. and yet, u provided a stop to the tears, maybe cause u cared about how i'd look in front of my other peers? u provided an extension for my Amaths death test, maybe cause u knew this was coming and i wont be able to study??
dear lord jesus, u have always provided... but taking away my pride and joy, forcing me under this torment,
how will u provide a way out for me this time?
i felt better, and i smiled though i had no reason to after the rehearsal, but the facts remain...
they say all we need is you.. help me to really rely on you this time lord, no one, nothing but you.
some ppl have it all, girls, happiness, gung-ho spirits... some are just beaten. but keep true to your word, for u said "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" what seperates me for leading a popular, fun life? issit being true to myself, or trying to do the right thing all the time?
in all these things, help me follow u, and i know my future will be taken care of.
but for now, please provide...
maybe i need company or the slightest hint of care. maybe i just need something to fill me so i dont feel like puking...
self esteem and courage to face tomorrow... face my friends... and hold back my tears, i dont wanna release everything out and blow up again...
everytime i get emo, i look at the knife-cum-bottle opener keychain thats on my pencil box, and consider whether the situation was worth cutting over. though i never did that before... i suddenly hated myself a lot... though god cares and loves, but faith doesn work without actions, and i failed myself terribly in that sense...
and i doubt i'd feel lotsa pain even if i really did, cause an emotional injury numbs every other part with its pain..
emo music will complete the decision, but i will refrain from anything today. i will just go into my room and throw all my sharp objects out.
flood me with ur spirit... lift me up.
Posted by keithc at 3:29 AM
