Saturday, March 31, 2007

emo tok.

okay.. actually we just got back and i just woke up from my 5 hour nap after the stayover yesterday...
its been fun actually, but sometimes i gotta ask myself. am i really enjoying it? is my enthuness one sided?? was i being a fake all the while?

are my friends for real?


i can actually scribble a whole lot of angsty CAPITAL words here but i have already thought through it...

i guess half the guys who stayed over already knew about what happened once day broke... i dunno if they really understand me sometimes... i really feel like... its more for themselves... ppl think so much for them. and then at the end of the day they walk out of sch smiling and i go "wth happened" to myself.

was on the verge of $(&%)(*&&^(*ing everything up yesterday. really pouring out everything i thought during the emo talk session, since everyone wasnt saying anything... but now that i think about it, i guess its a good thing that i didnt...

i woke up today morning on the parade square feeling cold. and i was already crying since then. i never spoke to anyone til i entered the bb room...
and thats when i poured everything out.

and its not the first time i cried during bb. there was another time, but that one no one knew what happened at all...

then i wondered what kinda leader have i been...
what kinda friends do i have
and whether or not this is all for real... planning some stayover, getting enthu about personalising field ranks, picture jigsaw puzzle... budgie song... for wad siah. just soccer can alr right?

anyway, this post has already been condensed to save my skin from unwanted comments. i'm sure i'll hurt many people or hurt myself even more if i really start ranting... u know actually i think there is a good number of people who visit my blog, but have nothing to tag about cause every post is so disgustingly emo.

its over anyway... being a COS passed like nothing happened at all. wondered if ppl recognised the commitments and willingness i had, but well. some things take prioty first.

sorry i cant do LDC... sorry i cant join BB soccer... I JUST CANT!! TRY TO UNDERSTAND! I JUST CANT!!! OK??? MUST I STATE TO THE WORLD THAT I HATE SOCCER ON THE FIELD. AND RANT LIKE THAT BEFORE U SEE ME TRULY? i really want to, but given my circumstances i cannot... i just cannot!

its just over. the memories we had and the fun times... gg lor. i'm quite sad, but right now, half of me is comforting my soul, saying "well isn that good? theres no more pressure... no need to do your best in some UG anymore. no need to put up with some fakeness. and force urself to play soccer when u dont feel like it."

thats so wrong la. refering to the god-sent verses from isiah yesterday... and yes, i randomly flipped joshua loh's (random guy) bible and i found something about youths, and we should trust in God and he will provide the rest. i'll find it later...
and another one states "for the heavens are higher then earth, so are my ways from your ways and my thoughts from your thoughts".

so... i give it all up to you oh lord. consume me.


theres just this clear gap

Posted by keithc at 1:37 AM